Thursday, October 3, 2013

flightless bird, here.

i've been wrastling with my own ego a lot these days, lack of it in fact showcasing how much of it is still there.... grammatically challenging sentence there.  i say there is little, but drown in my own self-obsession and naval-gaze, which means there is much. better? ego. what a bitch.

as pertains to the bikeride and my lack of audience and therefore, lack of self-esteem? i've been wondering how much i've really bought into the belief that i am somehow part of the great unwashed multitudes demanding fame and great accolades.  we all believe that we are the center of it all. 
do we?
are there people out there who, in real opposition to the self-centeredness of me and you, feel that they are PART of it all, rather than CENTRAL to it all?  catch my drift. 
nothing new here, but where are those people? how do i get them closer to me so that i can learn from them? or me, closer to them? 

can i stop being scared of strangers long enough to realize there is more shared between us than not? i'm getting notions of that more and more lately. maybe because i've realized i might never move again, and it changes how you look at things, to realize you might get to see the saplings change, the barn fall, your kids' friends grow, the crocus proliferate. . . croci.

i'm reading this whacked out mystery in which the main detective is a Quaker and I'm learning all this stuff about Friends and whatnot. its good, and illuminating, to learn so much about what I'm taking part in on Sundays, and what I've brought my kids into. - called Quaker Silence. can't remember the author.

i'm listening to Karen Armstrong?'s 12 Steps to Compassionate Life in the car as I spend much time every morning doing errands and its also illuminating, and I've only just listened to the preface. shoot.



Noel said...

Just read your last two posts. I don't think there is anything wrong or self-centered about wanting applause. At least you recognize that you want it. I think we all want it, some more than others perhaps, but we all want it. We all want to be recognized and loved. There are some people who may look like they don't want applause, but I think they have just gotten used to not getting applause. I bet down deep they still want it. For me, I try to accept what ever applause comes because for me it rarely comes from the people I hope it will come from. I'm extremely fortunate because I'm married to a big time applause giver. From him I have learned to better at making sure I give applause. There is a very interesting discussion of this very subject in a book "The Happiness Project". So I, for one, do not think you are completely self-centered or unreasonable, just human. You can't hear me right now,but I am really sitting here and clapping for you! Congratulations on putting yourself out there physically and emotionally for a great cause. I hope we'll get to see you in November, I miss you. Hugs to you, the kids and John.

Noel said...
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Jen said...

My thought that as mothers/wives we spend so much time applauding and giving accolades to our children. "Great job going potty." "Good work getting your homework done. "I'm so proud of you." And often we don't receive the praise that all human beings desire. This is why having an outlet like this allows us as women to high five each other and offer support, praise and a round of applause. You are great! I'm cheering for you!

Jen said...
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Kate Hall said...

Thanks, both of you, for the applause!, and for the thought in the commenting. you have got something there, in the need for more applause and praise for each other, all around. thanks.