Thursday, October 24, 2013

hurricane?or swamplife? you decide.

i'm just about to begin menstruation, i believe, and so you decide how to weigh the hysteria of my past weeks. 

saw an old man walking down a grocery aisle pushing a cart, wrists a-wobbly and not much bigger than me, but plugging along, completely unaware that I could see his shoulder blades through his ironed polo shirt, and was slowly losing my mind about how we are all going to get old, and decrepit and fall down in complete and utter lack-of-control because our bodies are completely going to fail us.  and this? this is if we are lucky enough to make it to that. lucky.
i was crying in the Goya.

next friday my oldest starts basketball for the first time, every friday evening for two hours for an indeterminate number of weeks, drills, skills and blahblah.  i love basketball, it is definitely my sport and i love it pretty unabashedly, even if I don't stay awake to watch it....  but i am completely bereft that i am losing an entire weekend night in which my family and i can hang out together, as. a. family. a unit, a pivotal unit in the universe.  what, do we have to give up going to Meeting in order to have hangout time? give up God for Basketball? I'm not sure I want my kid to be that kid, and I am getting the glimmers of 'drive them everywhere' momm-ing that people have been talking about.  do i need to buy a minivan? so i can drive packs of children to different sporting events and drink giant plastic cups of something? with a straw?

I spent at least five hours on separate days freaking out about having signed up to go on a day-long fieldtrip with my oldest.  This, because I might have to carpool with women I do not know.  and in carpooling, i have to give up my illusion of anonymity and isolation born of choice. I'm terrified to be in an enclosed socially awkward space for the length of time that we have.  If I expose my stupid awkward no-hear-you self to C's friend's moms, I will actually BE the pariah that I fear. no more wishful thinking, but reality. Honestly, it makes me feel all nauseated, just to think about.  and I guess that I fear not having the experience with my boy and his friends more than I fear the other moms. so there is that.
maybe i won't get picked. then i'll miss out on a hundred things, all at once.

hubsJ also signed me up to coach a 'destination imagination' thing afterschools.  between the fieldtrip forms glowing on the table and hubsJ's announcement last night, it was not that good for me... no.

seriously. i am going to throw up, or pee on myself. i can't tell.
i do really well with surprises.  seriously.


MotherOfGooses said...

It's funny, but I totally have a vision of me driving a mini van some day with a big straw stuck in a cup of something.Goes with the territory I guess.I 'm never sure what to do. I don't want my kids to be overscheduled, but we are dangerously close to being underscheduled. It has more to do with me and my hang ups about "exposing" our messy house to the kids and parents in my kids' lives. I've got to get over it.