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Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Weak-kneed

I rode on a bike for twenty-five miles this weekend, as part of a fundraising effort for a group which mentors foster kids and adoptees.  I did the whole thing, without vomit, without a quitdownsitdown.  I kept on keeping on whilst the going was good.  and all that. 
I should be very proud of my self.  part of a larger good, proof of a working body after so many years of inaction.
and then there was the avoidance of the ruts by the side of the road, the cars whizzing by my calves by inches. hello deafie on the road.  next year, i am going to make a sign.

and now i have to deal with the repercussive problems that I've had all along.  Due to a mistake of planning, and an overly excited biking speed, I was finished before my audience arrived to cheer me on.  They were there internally, as the end of the race was one long, slow hill, and I did not want them to see me walking ! and that was powerful for me, the thought of my boys seeing me ride  and that is the only thing that kept my legs circling. the only thing.  who knew i wanted them to see me in a very different light? who knew?

without the external accolades, i am a shambles.  what the hell?! c'mon. am i really still internally 15 years old? i mean, i like to think even my 15 year old self had more bones than that.  does my action really not have wild validation because i don't get pat on the back? shoot.
maybe if i were crippled by pain, and needed lots of backrubs and one of those silver shiny blankets at the end i'd feel more valid.

what.
i am obviously stupid, and i find that slightly offensive.

PLUS, my sister was with me and she does so many of these races that there are many times that her audience is simply her fellow riders and she hasn't spent three days bitching about what it means to her.  she's proud, and moves on. it sucks to have a mentor like that.  SUCKS.

5 comments:

Amanda said...

I get it, believe me. I ran a 10K last spring and nobody said a damn word about it. There was no one there for me at the finish line, no texts on my phone, no emails, nothing. Severely anti-climactic.

wifemotherexpletive said...

well MY GOD. 10K? HOLY SHIT. I, for one, am impressed in a muscular ache and sweat sort of way. sort of like RollerDerby girl, thats what you just Re-turned into!! cool amanda, cool...

Jen said...

Yay you! I am super impressed! I couldn't ride a bike 5 miles. Plus you did it for a great cause. Consider this my sign at the finish line!

Amanda said...

Thanks :-) The irony is that I have an aspbergers sister who keeps gaining and losing the same 50 pounds, always by running like Forrest Gump, and it seems like the whole world goes ga-ga everytime she laces up her sneakers. I run 6.4 miles (in an hour and 12 minutes, I might add) and the silence is deafening. Humbug.

wifemotherexpletive said...

ah, damn the aspies. (winking emoticon thing here.)