Friday, January 10, 2014

Captured in Stone

last night hubsJ was gone, and will be away for the weekend.  boys and I settled in to watch 'The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe'.  the babe was obsessed with getting her body into a small box.  acheived. both boys  have seen the movie before, multiple times, and both had forgotten much of what was there. as had I .  it is a beautiful film, well-done, and satisfying to watch.

i grew my faith as a child with the Narnia books. it was how i first understood the magic of Christianity and I don't think the 'CHURCH' pays quite enough gratitude to C.S.Lewis for his proselytizing. sp?

part of what i have struggled with in this chunk of time is the worry that i have lost my grasp on the magic in my faith...  if things 'do NOT turn out right in the end'.... and i don't have the inner vision to see what might be the good in this new reality, then where is my faith in Aslan? where is the belief that it'll turn out allright in the end?  what if the good guy dies? isn't saved in the nick of time?

I am in a daze, a fog of magic turned to stone. drifting fog, misty air. grey green, moss-covered, slight chill, sculpture garden.
when part of your psyche is fighting 'reality', what then? maybe it explains my lack of ability to set the table for the right number of people. last night there were two extra places set.  really.

i am no Job.  I am not saying that the world is too much with me, or that I can't survive or that I've been through too much. I'm not, I don't feel that way.

my mom hasn't taken my dad's voice off the answering machine and today i was able to listen to it without hanging up in themiddle or before it clicks on..  so there is that.  i miss my dad.  i love him a lot.

i am handling a large dose of disbelief. utter. still.