Friday, January 31, 2014

I don't know, man.

suckitude reigns, and i can't even make a list of gratitudes, but i might try. possibly.

i can't say what is going on, its too defeatist, too deafening, too much of all the magnification of what was already there... and i am down for the count with the grieving, man.
after these two months, i feel sometimes like i am getting  grip on how to ride this 'life' of grieving and missing my father, handling the dynamics of the family with a gaping hole in its midst.  but only sometimes, the other times are blank, formless, sob chokes.
it sucks. 
i am keeping my finger on a pulse.  in our mashup familypile, i'm not sure whose it is... but i am keeping my finger on it.

i went to chakra carol this week, it was good, but i am filled with self-loathing. that sucks.
i went to "Seekers" group at Meeting this week, it was also good, but i am filled with judgement of others, and realizing that its so pervasive, sucks. it was restful and worshipful though, so there is that.
i tried to go help at the eldest's school but there was a sub and the teacher had forgotten to leave me copying jobs so i came home, and my mom and i talked about grief and where we are now, two months into it... guess how that was...
i've been feeding the birds and watering the plants, and there is an immediate change in the world when that happens, a visible response in the world, and i am aware enough to appreciate that, and it is a change and a comfort.
i am planning to make a raised bed in my yard this year, a keeper, to grow my carrots, tomatoes and basil, and perhaps a bunch of kale or a green pepper if i want. it is good to have a thumb on something that grows and changes, and is a knock against futility, for a little while.

thats all i got, and it wasn't actually a gratitude list, so whatever. at least there is an attempt. if 'at least' counts for anything.