Sunday, January 19, 2014


.this weekend my eldest has been away, at a church youthgroup retreat type thing... those Quakers and their wild youth gatherings.. the title of it was 'sometimes God is like a wet bar of soap'.   really.  i tried not to let my brain go in inappropriate directions, but i am nothing if not a sinner. 
anyhow, he is off for two nights of loving guidance and capture the flag with a bunch of Quaker kids and their adults, and the house is startling in its emptiness, with just one absence.  startling how different things are.
.i'm trying to completely stop with the cigarettes again.  they are making me cough and in the past two months i have been chimney-like.  and while i get my reasons and all, the cigarettes are actually not helping me with anything, they are not relaxing, they sap me of my 15% energy level and they smell.
so we will see how that goes.
i have very very low expectations.
.i wrote my first thank you note yesterday, thanking for the people who've given support during this fall season of death.  i have a lot more to write and while that is horrific, it is amazing that i do actually have some sort of community going on , even with all the self-immolation/isolation that i do.
.eldest will return this afternoon and have a real burn of re-integration, and so all the glow of my love for him will burn off in the shock of his behavior.  sweet.
.i have not had a very good week, and i'm impatient but so low that i can't even deal with my impatience. i look it smack in the face and shrug, letting it flit and float and be its little pouf self.
.i can't think of anything else. 

just making it through today,



Forever Engaged said...

Quitting smoking is INCREDIBLY hard. I quit on October 5, 2007 cold turkey. Not a day goes by (especially a day like today when both of my kids have the stomach bug) that I don't crave a cigarette. What helps me, is thinking I may break my "record". Commit the day you quit to memory and think of how long it has been and choose not to break your record. I know it is easier said than done, but you can do it!