Friday, January 15, 2016

Beachbody. no, really. (i'm so sorry.)

there's obviously been a lot going on here, and much of it, piss-ass poor. there is so much that is out of my control, and in the last few years, i have really isolated myself and allowed my fears to continue that process.  the only thing i have added in has been exercise.  somehow or other, i decided in the fall to start it up, to control the one thing that i know for sure is a positive, that i know for sure, is good.  so i've been working out.  i have a fair amount of embarrassment for this, i mean, if you are picturing me all perfect and pressing iron bars into the air and shit, you would be doing a laughable thing, so cut it out.  i look exactly like i always have, i have had three babies and there ain't no way i'm going to show you my abs.
its an online support group that has done it for me.  the people post what they do for exercise and one healthy meal per day.  (this allows the other meals to be whatever the good goddamned you want them to be, which is definitely my style.)  What i have found is that it keeps my choices and their ramifications present for me, and that is wild.  Watching people much bigger than me, make choices to walk their dog after work, to do bicep curls during commercials, to go running after years away, to make their kids eat zucchini boats, this stuff is keeping me 'present', which is something i can really hold on to.
in the past few months, i have not lost weight. my pants are tighter at the waist because i have muscle under the baby belly and the scars.  this is ironic and pitiful to my ego, but dude, i have muscle! who even knew that could happen?!
i workout at home, after the boys get on the bus, and it is not pretty.  i flail, i swear, i sweat. sometimes i give up and lie down on the ground in a fit of 'i'm not strong enough'... pushups? jumping? and then i get back up and do any motion at all while watching tiny people on the laptop flex their muscles... and i keep moving...
i have a quote on the board by the computer that says, 'nobody but you'. and it reminds me that nobody else can make me strong, nobody else can do the work that is actually required to heal my heart, change my shape, nobody but me.
and its really something.
this is really something.
its helped me get through all this personal upheaval and kept me at an even keel. on an even keel? i'm confused by my boat analogies.
the boat is called 'beachbody' and yes, i'd like to rock a momkini at the beach this summer, but we'll have to see how i feel about that when it gets warm again.  again, with the abs problem.  there is a coaching element to beachbody and i've signed up.  anybody want to do this with me? i'll put you on a list, and you can see what i'm talking about, and see if it keeps you present to this health thing we should all be striving for... you don't have to buy anything or sell your soul, its just a bunch of people working out, and sharing it, privately, so the world doesn't have to know that I talk about 'fitness'.  good god.  maybe i should move to california.
also on the quote board? :  one strength leads to more strengths.  the serenity prayer. walls are for pictures and people for praising. beginning-to-end is not really that. the waves on the shore are attended by birds.

so there. let me know.