written at the beginning:
what i will be Missing this year:
husband, warm arms, compliments, criticisms, arguments, shared responsibilities, wonderful warm and rich foods, variety, physical companionship, family, tension, threat, trepidation. ...having realizations of the sort that make me sad about who i have become in these last years... answering the phone with a dull 'hello.' when i know it is him, so that he will think i am busy and harried by life, and so give me sympathy. i don't think i've answered with a 'recognition' voice in a few years... what is this? why would i have done that? the things i have tricked myself into... maybe there is no room for ritual in my life because i have had so many unconscious ones. what would it be like to be calling into that?
why did i have to work so hard to feel noticed? Why is busy so damn valuable? How long has that been going on ?
its 6:20 am and i just realized i don't have to wake hubsJ anymore. flutters of panic and relief, at once. what a very strange ride this is.
what i will be doing this year:
painting, planning, evolving. sloughing off some of the 'rules' i've accumlated in the past ten years, i can feel them slipping away already, presumptive permission... those rules i've carried to keep the boat still in the water... how quickly can i slough them off as i pick up my own breeze?! ( the word slough is just perfectly perfect right now, use it! go, wild into the woods and fling it about!) finding ways to make money come into this house, and still manage to be the presence in the house, tricky fixings, this one.
answering the phone with recognition. going whole days without being afraid. letting go of all the anger born of anxiety. Reading. Getting familiar with self-help categories. (fuck.me.ugh)
--no judgement, lots of vaguery. i am completely shifted and yet, lack the language to share the shift, stuck in oldness and repetition, in my mirror stuck as well, minute to minute differences.
and amazing to KNOW that things have already changed so much for me, in the month plus that this has been happening... What is hard is going to stay hard, as conversations with HubsJ are fine so often, and filled with ancient wrongs so often, like a teenaged eyeroll in a situation of gravity. awful, and i can't see a way to better times right now.
minute to minute.
(faith at the rudder. see any problems for me with that one?shit.)