Monday, February 22, 2016

Slow Dawn, Slow Down

i've realized lately that much of my perspective-gain has to do with the age of my kids, the slow dawn of kids who can care for themselves, feed themselves, dress themselves.... and the change in life momentum that it brings to me.  fuckup of a marriage or not, this is a momentous shift.  I can read books WHILE kids are in the house, and awake.  i have painted, i have ironed, i have showered, all in the company of kids...

this is astonishing, and so NEW. and its a sunlight in the greenleaved spring slow-to-warm awakening.  as if time has slowed down, and my head turns ponderously to look about.  and that light, it is all about... 

i can't believe i'm coming out of the fog of early childhood.  and, as always, the one who plays the mother is walking on her own.  why is this? is it a characteristic of the female to not be able to share? or is it a mirage? OR, is there some truth in it? the interdependence of the mother and the children... true interweavings...that seem to be the domain of me in this game, and its a difference that has seemed obvious for years in the male.  NOT that the relationship is less, just not interwoven to the same degree.  Male identity has not been so co-opted, so pervasively changed.  I'm not complaining, or resenting, just noting the necessity of this woman's need to notice these things, to re-assess her role in her familial role, and to re-examine the parts and pieces that make her up... I'm on it.