Sunday, November 13, 2016

Just Me.

Its been a very tough couple of weeks here, full of emotional regression on my part. But now it has been almost a year that i've known we were disassembling our marriage and so even in the depths, i know it is just a pit and that i'll rise again, and i have the tools to get myself up.
There was the family birthday that i missed for the first time in 15 years, a weekend in which i really wanted to hug J and congratulate and celebrate with the man i've watched grow and change for so long. And an instance of old history in which I realized that I know him best when he's slightly disappointing me and the great sadness that held for my own part in a long history of treating something precious like something that could be held passively.
And the need for a new water heater and the financial pressure rearing its head. And the coming changes that, really, have already arrived.
And a birthday of a child, when the birthday girl was somewhere else, and the magic of the birthday would be delayed until she was in my presence. Being alone and reliving the birth reminded me of how many things have changed and made me angry and almost had me sending drunken angry texts for the first time in my life, but didn't.  Instead, I sought out family and had laughs and fears about Donald Trump.

And a family birthday party here, and love of all the grandparents deep. And birthday magic that happens because of ME, because it is a large part of who I am, and what I have done with the past decade of my life, becoming a mother three times over and making homes and light and incredible goodness in the lives of my kids.
And the night after, when I thought I'd be distraught that birthday girl and kids all drove away and I was home alone? I thought I'd be drunk and inconsolable, but no.  I was reading and sitting by the fire and realizing how little time I have to myself and thinking of baths and enjoying the hell out of my solitude and making plans for the Supermoon rising in the sky...
It has been a long year, and so much has disappeared that was really good to go, and many that are so sad to lose.  And so much is still to come, and it is daunting but I'm so content to be where I am, in all this grayness wherein I begin to learn self-respect...and continue to daily struggle with what it is that I want. Just me.


Mama Mama Quite Contrary said...

I so admire you. Just saying.