Thursday, November 17, 2016

TIdal swells and where does it send you?

Just some bits to let you know I'm still alive:

SO, its a long strange trip, this whole reconfiguring of life because of divorce and releasing a history that is as much a part of me as tree bark is to the tree. And the ups and downs continue and learning to share birthdays and custody of the children  in a way which satisfies my heart and is also the best for the kids is ROUGH, to say the least. Dude. I had no idea. I thought heartbreak was the tough part, but no. No.

SO there seems to be a constant roil of waves here, and I can be thrilled beyond belief with my life, and it happens and I'm bounding in joys for all to see, and then I spend a day wondering how on earth i am going to manage to feed the kids because i am so thoroughly trashed by the emotional high-tide. I've missed J lately, and that has been actually more painful than many of the feelings of betrayal and anger, and I've somehow come out the other side, and really can't tell you how, except that I am supremely glad to be done with it for now.

And we've made a bear cave, and the sloppy mommy is the way it is, and you should know, because thinking anything else is just crazy-making.  And many days I am ALL UP IN THAT CAVE.  
But there is always something else around the corner.

And I went to see Chakra Carol this week and got some peace, and it came with discussions of Leonard Cohen and the power and magic in his poetry and melody.  And I've introduced My now-4 year old to 'SO LONG MARYANN...' and boy, is that a great one for shouting in the car, or what?
Part of the peace I've gotten lately is a resurface of the massage-the-day-away table.
     When the boys were smaller I took a reiki class with Chakra Carol. And as part of my practice as a mom, I would give them a massage-the-day-away at the end of the day.  And as they aged, it went away, and I haven't opened the massage table for years.  And so yesterday, it was reinstated and there is a massage table back in my life, and used, not just leaning against a wall.  And I need practice, and I REALLY like the idea of helping kids and grown ups find their safe spaces within their own bodies, so I am taking a deep breath and just holding that idea in my own safe space to keep it with me for awhile in thought and dream, to see if that's a direction to go...

Its very cool to consider that part of what I have to offer the world is something I've already got.


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