I've been struggling lately with a far ranging and yet unbelievably short fuse. And because I have struggled with this short fuse before, and because I come from a family with a dad of incredibly short fuse, I know it is not just the heat. I am trying very hard to be compassionate with myself on this issue, but I am not really getting there. I simply want to beat the hell out of everyone around me, although I have not. I certainly HAVE been the yelling queen of hell. This week I locked myself in the bathroom and calmed my breathing because I knew that I was out of my mind, and that nothing that had been done by the boys(water spilled, brother/mother kicked, hair pulled, 'idiot' called) was calling forth this rage. It was something to do with My internal world order, and nothing to do with the environment. Its amazing how much rage is in there. Where the hell have I been keeping it on all those other days? Hm? I've called and made an appt to meet Chakra Carol again, and that should at least give me a direction to go in. I'm reading my Buddhism for mothers book, and that has chilled me out for yesterday and today, and thats a hundred pennies forward, i tell you. a hundred pennies forward.
I think I need to get me to church, if only for the AC and the Sunday School. I'd like my boys to touch the joy of possibility that exists when you feel comforted and encouraged by the whole world, i.e. G-D.