Thursday, August 20, 2009

belief, edited and added to.. and then some

BELIEF. what do you have? what do you use it for? What does it give to you?
I've been struggling lately with a far ranging and yet unbelievably short fuse. And because I have struggled with this short fuse before, and because I come from a family with a dad of incredibly short fuse, I know it is not just the heat. I am trying very hard to be compassionate with myself on this issue, but I am not really getting there. I simply want to beat the hell out of everyone around me, although I have not. I certainly HAVE been the yelling queen of hell. This week I locked myself in the bathroom and calmed my breathing because I knew that I was out of my mind, and that nothing that had been done by the boys(water spilled, brother/mother kicked, hair pulled, 'idiot' called) was calling forth this rage. It was something to do with My internal world order, and nothing to do with the environment. Its amazing how much rage is in there. Where the hell have I been keeping it on all those other days? Hm? I've called and made an appt to meet Chakra Carol again, and that should at least give me a direction to go in. I'm reading my Buddhism for mothers book, and that has chilled me out for yesterday and today, and thats a hundred pennies forward, i tell you. a hundred pennies forward.

I think I need to get me to church, if only for the AC and the Sunday School. I'd like my boys to touch the joy of possibility that exists when you feel comforted and encouraged by the whole world, i.e. G-D.

for instance, what does it serve me to believe that I am not suited to raise boys? is it my excuse for not addressing aggression? what good does it do? what about the reality being that I am suited to raise boys but wish for something else? crazy-making.
would you still write if you did NOT believe that someone were reading it? Do bloggers get fed by the writing or by the potential for readers? Is expression for its own sake like that tree in the empty woods? is there such a thing as an empty wood?


Mama Mama Quite Contrary said...

Blogging for me isn't a way of processing my life for random strangers to read. It is a way for family and friends to keep up to date on our lives. The two are interwoven, I suppose, but since I have not the time nor the inclination to dwell too deeply on things I can't change, I try to focus on recording the day to day ridiculousness that I live. And, in the end, there aren't too many people who really care about that.

How do you feel your life would be different if you were raising girls?

Anonymous said...

Thanks for reading and writing. That Buddhism for mothers book was one I couldn't finish, but you're onto something.

ABow said...

All of my reactions - body and spirit:

pride in your writing and creative voice
horror that this was a real scene, not from Twilight
wash of teariness that you were in so much pain (god planned for me not to be there)
shiver of cold on this hot day and then wave of relief that you are ok and that you are a strong mama, epic stories attached.