Monday, August 3, 2009

socially awkward

Things are out of control over here and I'm sure it has to do with the weather and the moon. but there it is. what to do about THEM?

I am completely tricky when it comes to appearances, full of confidence and wit on the outside and completely ludicrously anxious on the inside. someone put baby in the fucking corner, already!

I frequently blame my loserdom on my poor hearing and I think its valid, but very limited. Even as a kid, when I had two moderately working ears, my mother could send me into a wild panic by asking me to get something from the store, or to ask a question of a stranger. I'm still basically the same. I'm the first to say hello but the very last to actually attempt to engage in a conversation- hello being my tool for distancing myself... hello, smile, move away.

My hearing has forced me to read body language and subtle cues like nobody's business, and my lipreading skills have taught me many things that I did not want to learn. But there are times when I misread...and laugh at the wrong time, or flip out over a mis-read phrase... its really goddamned intimidating to socialize sometimes.
- the phone? I swear that there are people that I actually enjoy that I haven't seen because I am slightly neurotic about not being able to hear them if I called. Poor Pam, my wisconsin love, I cannot even tell her how much/often I think of her but don't call because of my neurosis. (Kids always play a part in added distraction, but my god, why can't I push through it? oh, right, because of the crushing disappointment in missing joke punchlines or sly witticisms or just the uncaught sob/hiccup...)

And while I AM shy, I am also sharpwitted and sharptongued and brook little idiocy, so there is the inevitable occasion when I say something out of place or simply turn away from frippery, as my grandmother would say. All in all, I think that I still round out as a nice person, but I'm messy...and watch out because I might do a socially awkward girly runner. . .