Sunday, August 30, 2009

so 'tired'

its not as though i am fake to the people on the street, but I AM happier with them, it seems. They don't seem to have high expectations of me and I'm wildly aware of their judgements most of the time. I don't have to tell them any truth of my life and its great. I feel light and entertained, I just say hello if I can build up to it or make random comments about the beauty of their children or the day or the weather... It seems that I must complain too much to my family/friends because I now feel 'under watch' for 'issues' ... I'm mad. I wish I could say I felt cared for, but thats not what it feels like. It feels like people telling me to shut up. I come home and am caught off guard by a slamdance of family judgement and I flounder in my feelings of womanly power and am filled with self-doubt and guilt. Between some sibling in-law interferences and consistent spousal misunderstandings, motherly illhealth and a bunch of child behavior problems, I am off my good goddamned game. OFF. I'm letting too many people get in the way of my parenting and it makes me feel like i'm doing a shitty job. I"m going to go to Graceland in October without children or husband, and thats what I'm holding out for in my lesser moments, except when I'm free to sit in peace at the park, with strangers... then i'll just be sitting - in peace, in that very fine moment between children accidents/needs/queries/aggressions/demands. i'm working very VERY FUCKING HARD on compassion right now, finding it for others and for myself. but i am finding very little of it for any of us.