I'm not, I ain't. I try and I flail and then try again. It seems, in all areas, all... that I move through this day after day revolution in a constant try try try mantra. and (of course) I am weary.
This doesn't mean that I don't see joy in my moments, that I think my burden too heavy, that I despair. My boys are coloring, which in this house is sort of miraculous these days. the house is gigantic, still, but I think we are adjusting and finding our nooks, all of us... the coloring is taking place on the floor in the sewing nook, where the machine is unpacked and the majority of the still unpacked things are resting.
And while I am frequently screaming at the boys, or at least, thats what it feels like to my internal world, I know this place is there. I've been giving myself timeouts on the stairs so that i can peek at it like this. I'm weepy and full of sadness a lot but have been trying so hard to remember these places. I have been so inconsistent, its remarkable.
watch this list of flipflop:
1. This morning, I flushed the house and went around putting up energy symbols and incense-based crosses in all the important spots and corners of the house. It was very intentional and specific.
2. I am feeling inconstant in my reading and writing and unconnected to the larger spiritual world that floats around in my body.
3. I'm getting these emails from a joy program that is going to last ten days. I wanted the joy to read.
4. I am so damn cynical that I cannot believe in the reality of other people's joy. (gasp.)
5. This house is so big that I feel incredibly conspicuous and embarrassed by it.
6. We are having an openhouse THIS weekend to share it with everyone we know because we want to share the love we have for it...like giggly kids... (uh, did you read #5?!)