Tuesday, January 15, 2013

do you have days like this?

the house is clean and empty, grey in a lukewarmly weathered day.  the baby is sleeping.  i feel cold, that fleshless feeling of last week, maybe a precursor to the return of menstruation? or a canadian wind. have been reading Annabel, so thank you, Mother of Gooses, (Growing Versions) for the recommendation. it is a cold book and I want to know Wayne Annabel and hug him. her.  have a feeling like i need to relearn some basic things. what do i eat for lunch? what breakfast do i most prefer? how do i like my eggs? it is taking me days to eat leftovers for lunch, and to get through and over the realization that sitting at the table alone, i do not have to eat the parts i don't like.  I can make puzzle pieces of the meat, and just take the choicest bits for myself, dipping each in the gravy, and tossing the rest.  I don't have to report this to anyone. 
I am doing for myself, and it feels like some 'first time', although that is a lie, not in its feeling, but in its fact.
its astonishing how still things are.
and how water-based I am.  I feel the liquid beneath my eyes and in my cold face and wonder how the pools are placid, or if they are at all.
i marvel the fragility of my bones, and the resilience of them, the last representative of me after i go..
unless i burst into flames...
perhaps if this house needed heating. . .

my own house needs heating these days, and I am coldly curious as to how I am going to go about it.
something to do with making my food, perhaps. the re-learning of my shapes and colors.


MotherOfGooses said...

sounds like a good starting from the beginning day. I like it. I do not ask myself enough, so, do you still like only milk with your tea? do you like tuna as much as you say you do? What's changed? Thanks for posing the question, I am going to think about that one all week!

Yes, anabelle is a little stark. I took a cue from you and started ordering books from the library so I would have a group of books to look forward to. I went a little overboard and am having a hard time keeping ahead of them. One that has promise is "the forrests". Still ahven't read "Come thou tortoise" or the Louise penny one you suggested, but 2013 is young!