Monday, January 7, 2013

I am the Puerto Rican lady. or Dominican lady, or that lady over there. I am she.

When I delivered my first kid it was super confusing, and long and sort of hallucinatory.  and then I left the hospital and he stayed for a week or so more.  He's fine, was fine, all that ... he's seven now, for goodness sakes.  One of the days I was visiting him in my utterly weakened, bleeding heavily manner, I saw this woman walking into the hospital as I was being shuttled out.  She was flipping gorgeous, and not skinny, not young, not childbellyless, but dressed in a silk blouse with a pencil skirt and heels which showed her belly rounded in age and curve.  it was awesomely sexy and so damn gorgeously classy...  and I see her in my mind's eye every time I think about how to garner some self-esteem as I grow away from pregnancy into yet another body.  I do have my swing back, but I am not sure how to dress, how to work around this form.  My stayathomemom lifestyle has me away from silk blouses, pencil skirts and heels and I probably won't ever get there, frankly, but I want that comfort and that showing of righteous curve. 
I wonder what it looks like, on me, that righteous curve.  I tried to take photos of myself, to show my fierceness in my new body and I got all flipped out by what the photos took hold of.  whack-o.  I suppose there are reasons beyond lazy for not having a daily looksee in the mirror.  but I am she, thats me, those curves are mine. i'm tired of organizing clothing, this new baby being of a new gender has meant gift upon gift and i am thrilled but overwhelmed with bins of hand me downs and all that i had saved from the boysthatwere is still here, still to be sorted.  and so it feels with my own changing shape, how long should i wait to toss all that doesn't fit? how do i dress myself? what is my style? where is my inner woman of curve? how do i take her out with me, into the wide world... ?
I say again, I don't want this plainjane life around me anymore.   it doesn't fit.
where is my inner woman of curve?


Amanda said...

Dream it, and be it! (there's a quick shopping trip in there somewhere)