Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Forgetting to Breathe

I've been doing blockbuster-well, even with all the cold flesh and the empty bits...and the lonely, always the lonely.  I think sometimes that I excel when I am faced with a sort of rejection, something in it makes me rise up in scorn and self-appreciation and
I saw Chakra Carol last week and it was a blur of talk and babysquawk and I and the babe had to book it out of there before I got the bliss of bodywork.  It was good to talk and in talking sometimes I hit upon (or hear upon) something good.  and this time it was all about Fear.  that fear that makes me and others mad, bitter, anxious, reclusive, etc. 

you name it, Fear is behind it.

and I am done with it.  (i say, while knocking on wood. talk about fear. superstitious much? sheesh. )
this anxiety thing is shit.  I cut it out by asking myself in absurdia,  'are you really SCARED that the kids are staying up too late? SCARED?  Come on, get on with it.' 
It helps me, seriously, its cutting all my dread and anxiety right off at its start.

'are you really SCARED that all the cousins are coming over again? think they'll 'hurt' you somehow?'  dread loses when faced with the fact that I don't in fact feel scared of this social situation.  once i chill out, i move right on.  and that is good. i've been having better times, though still sometimes, boring ones.

'are you SCARED to explain that your hearing is shit to the parents at school?' 
oh, right, no. no, i'm not.  its boring, and overly repetitive, but not scary.  moving on.

and away we go.

the nursing at night is doing well, but i am killing my back and in the past two days I have found myself repeatedly forgetting to breathe while moving about the house, and I am blaming my back.  However, it is making me focus my breathing on a more regular basis and this walking meditation has added to my Rising and feeling.  (or maybe i'm just oxygen-deprived?)
who knew?