Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Another rainy rainy rainy rainy

i'm stuck, i admit it.  i let the kids watch tv too much, i can even get irritated when they approach me for food... when do they grow up, anyhow?!
and then i cry a little and make up for it with marshmellow fluff and fortbuilding.  or trampoline supermanning. . . or rainy day children's museums.

a roil of resistance:

i can't seem to get over this grief, this daily churn of horror and disbelief and sickening ... it is as much a missing of my father as it is the missing of my faith in something larger.  the whole world, when you lean on a pragmatic 'science' for its meaning? doesn't feel that revolutionary, certainly doesn't feel certain or safe or protected or any one of those ...
its a shock, its been long enough now that i can forget for a while and then it sneaks up on me and whacks me down to size.  the world is empty, the world is mean.
(gah, its a rainy day again, morose is the word of my day. i'm sure i'll still feed the kids and laugh with them too, i'm sure... the babe is still asleep after all, there is much still to come.)
its wonderful to read wonderful quotes, but every single one of them, has to feed into your belief in order to be effective. 
so  i am husk-like, corn silk on a picnic table, no longer with form or function. and so the kids watch tv and tv and tv. 
the elder was horrified to hear that nietzche was famous for his 'god is dead' ... his towel on head he says, 'but god is NOT dead, why would he be famous?' i could see the seriousness in his face. 
oh, these days.
i'm 'not' hoping and 'not' praying that this is simply my dark night of the soul and that i will come out on the other side, into the blueberry fields and rainbow elation of the wonderworld... i am. and not. 
i fight it, and i don't allow for hope, i resist what has always been easy for me, the language of prayer and divinely inspired wonder, and so what that leaves me with? is stumbling languages, shrugging shoulders when the topics get too big... how does one apply grief to wonder? lay it on thick, tell me what happens when they intermingle, because i'm going back to be quiet and wait wait wait for this rain to stop.


Corinne Cunningham said...

I've got no answers... but I hear you. Sending a little bit of light to your rainy day. xoxo

MotherOfGooses said...

The t.v. to me ratio is always swinging the wrong way. Hard pushing the metronome in my direction. clunk clunk clunk

Kate Hall said...

this morning was SO sunny, it was almost a joke on me... had a headache the size of jupiter and am still bulling through..and now what? now that the rain has ended? ah, challenge! get out, get out... rage, rage against the dying of the night/light....