Monday, August 25, 2014

Someone else's world. . .

Funeral services give you a little glimpse into a family, a life you only knew in bits and pieces, shows so much that you didn't know.  When a life is well-lived, funeral becomes celebration and thanks, and it is a miracle that in all millennia, we have only learned and figured how to gather, hold hands and sing... to help us all through this darkwinternight of loss. . .
a high school friend's mother died, and were it not for her attendance at my dad's wake, i might have passed it by, in my coldness... but she and her mother and father all attended, and i mark that in some deeper way, and am weary and so full of sorrow to share grief with her so soon.
and being so far from it now, months out of the shock, into the longevity of the thing... i am humbled over and over, an out-of-control tumble... into how much of life we take for granted.  and how, with time, you can convince yourself so deeply that you have got it all 'taken care of'.  we spend an awful lot of time lying to ourselves here, i bet it is almost a universal, but i guess it is true that i can only speak for myself.  some time after my dad died, hubsJ commented that we are all such pathetic creatures, so wretched, that we can't see the joy and value of what we have until it is taken from us. 
so .

i've known for a few weeks that i need to sit down and write out what will be my list of desires and dreams for the future of me.  and i can't.  i can't seem to see beyond my own nose, beyond my own skin.  there are some who might mistake this for some wacky 'mindfulness' notion, but i can firmly set you straight, at least about me. i'm completely scattered, completely awash in incredulity, grief, disappointment and some fury as well.  i'm swampwater, baby.
and so, sometimes i can share the grief of another family, another loss, and in the distance of my gaze, i got nothing to give but the sharing.  and so, since my self-judgement is spiralling all out of control, i need to sit down and make a list, and a number one priority should be defense against the darkarts of the self-judgement. (and number two? better hair.)   heh.


MotherOfGooses said...

The darkarts of self-judgement. My oh my. That rings so true it hurts.
thank you for creating a beautiful expression for my nemesis.xo