Wednesday, September 15, 2010

ripping one's own heart out...

evidently, after so many days of nausea and self-annihalation, i look a little freaky.... hub J says I look like Joan Jett this morning, Monday he told me to go back inside and take off my pajamas before walking C to school.  - good advice, by the way.  Today is day 7 of the school year, after voting day school closures and so on ... and the classes have been split, C has a new teacher this morning who will stay through November when mrs.preggypants returns from maternity leave.  there are 25 in his classroom and for some reason, I am wanting to rip my heart out today.  Seriously, I am f'in miserable.  I washed the floor in the bathroom while little E was running around the same floor in dirty shoes. I was Sca-reaming. oh yes, this is called rational, i believe.  washing a floor, sneaker, awake child... what the hell? have i completely taken leave of my senses?  I don't want to talk to anyone, i am staying in the house and feeling like shit all over the building because I am giving him less than the best. less. 
less is more, you say ? ha. i believe it and yet, he doesn't seem ready to monastery it, yet... I, on the other hand, have been calling around to the nunneries with very serious intent.  vacate. quiet. no trauma of the loss- sort.  yesterday he was home because of primary voting and I was so damn relieved. . . my god, to have him in my clutches was fabulous. . . and he was subdued and fairly quietly playing for most of the day and now he is gone again. who the hell is going to get me through this trauma?
(thank you to the storytellers who've done this already... it is very good to hear you...same feelings, most of the time, it seems.... )