Wednesday, September 8, 2010


*I apologize for my writing being so dull and without any flow these days.  Its all in the larger details, I think.

The ParentTeacherOrg was quite mind-blowing. There were six of us, a teacher and a principal. pal. ple. pal, for sure.
In an hour, I thought at least a dozen times, Is he drunk? Why would they be drunk at this hour? why would they come here if they were drunk? Maybe she had a stroke....
I don't want to talk any more about it. 

So hows this? Instead I will talk about the feeling of wild abandonment and shiftless guilt that I have about letting my kid go to school.  It is day 3 today. THREE. (I am waiting for at least, EIGHT days, but maybe I'll pull him out tomorrow if I cannot stand it...  ) This is nuts. I am not responsible. but I DO get to choose. I just didn't realize . . .  so. so. many things.
He loves it, absolutely. Though he is so tired when he gets home I am basically unable to gleen a single piece of information from him that doesn't involve a Power Ranger.  (I am assuming they are not watching Power Rangers at school... on second thought, maybe i should pick him up early today... )

The coming classroom was first to arrive on Friday, then Tuesday, now Friday again.  I am going to wait, and let C play with lots of kids all day for the next week.   He is having story time, I did hear that.  There are emotion monkeys in the library center (sad, angry, happy, etc.).  I'm going to believe in that one, because I saw them during the screening.  See. Believe.
My new animal analogy is a sad one, the ever faithful bumblebee, in Autumn.  Plugging along, bumbling hopefully to the blossoms, batted down by a cold breeze, again and again.  I am just wanting to stay down, these days. Feeling foolish every time I get back up and think it'll all be fine again... so embarassed by my own optimism.
but I don't know what else to do but keep getting up in the morning. look at a cookbook, do some laundry, walk to school, walk home, kiss my kid, miss my kid.  They are so lovely, so quirky and so gross.  and that is the truth.


Owen A said...

Dear wmx, [do let it be known if you object to this 'breviation] there is no harm/foul to us your readers that requires your apology- your writing is first and foremost for yourself; it is only through your generousness and openness that we are allowed to share your thoughts at all in the first place. self reflection is why we came here, and why we keep coming back- to see todays view of the boy holding the bird in the tree across the yard above the bushes out the window reflected in the mirror in front of you- as you type it down.
with re; your new school age child reality- and accompanying sturm und drang : I want to tell you it will be "o.k." however- i'm feeling that these two letters offer none of the reassurance that I intend them to-- so- I will say that what you are feeling is similar to- something along the lines of- what each parent feels as they watch their child[ren] move on- and out into the world. {waving quickly as they board the bus, not looking back, already moving their focus onto the kid in the seat next to them, as their father stands waving, in his pajamas, in the rain, as traffic resumes, and folks on their way to work look at him the way train commuters regard homeless in the station} children if raised correctly are blissfully unaware of the emotional energy that you [their parent] have invested in their well being- and may cause severe anguish without any actual identifiable cause
our eldest is starting 5th grade this year and I still remember the feeling of guilt/dread driving him to preschool [partly because I'm having replay of those feelings with child #3 who is starting a "toddler class" which focuses [among other things] on his speech delay.] I'd tell you it gets easier [the separation] but that would be sort of lie- it changes. What the children need/want is different all the time and what we are- [and what we are able to help them experience] pretty much stays about the same... it is a very big world and the more people the kid interacts with, the more tools s[he] may have to deal with/solve the problems that life may bring their way... [while this group of words may not be applicable to what you are seeing/feeling in kindergarten- I guess i'm looking at/thinking about my kids- two of whom appear to be approaching the 'tween years relentlessly, whether i like it or not]

Kate Hall said...

thank you owen. thank you. much of it. maybe you should be writing. are you? - and i think wmx is cool, makes me feel all joan jett all over the place...

Jen said...

Oh, I sort of feel you on the kindergarten front. (Except my kindergarten isn't all disorganized and alarming, it's just new and I'm discombobulated and alarmed.)

I think you're right to wait and see. Pretend it's just a big playgroup. Really, isn't that what kindergarten was when we were little? Just a lot of playing within the skeleton of a school day.

The other nice thing with kindergarten-age kids is I feel like we have two shots at it. If year 1 doesn't go well, we can put them back in a different kindergarten for a year 2. I like that about kindergarten. Unfortunately I used up my boys' year 1 with a preschool that ultimately didn't even teach them letters or numbers... but they're the State of Ohio's problem now.

You'll know the right thing to do, when the time comes to make a decision. It will come to you.