Thursday, September 9, 2010
not the issue.
1. I am in the public eye, all of a sudden. My own private life of homemom is suddenly on the front page, (not literally) in that, my anonymity is gone. The park, the grocery store, the all of it, is suddenly full of faces that I vaguely recognize, names that my son shouts out, bodies that he runs to see-around the corner and out of sight. . .
I am grotesque in my awkwardness and I can't hide in my house, in my neighborhood anymore.
2. Is it that I don't WANT to be involved in the school? I don't want to save anyone, change anything? is this a guilt of laze? I just want to move, get him safe and coddled in a warm and fuzzy kindergarten with a happy fat teacher who likes to play candyland while singing alphabet songs and then bring in cupcakes once a month?
3. How much of my issue is not being comfortable with the tremendous disparity of intellect in this new social situation? I don't even know whether to say 'class', 'intelligence', 'life expectations'... I don't know. . . its not money, that i do know, although sometimes that allows more flexibility around the hierarchy. . . Its a multigenerational poverty of spirit- what box does that fit in? hope is a strain here... expectations are very low. mygod, with kids? how. how. how.
4. Is it that I am done being valuable to them, at schoolage? Is my job, identity, as mother, the one I've just recently finally understood, over? I'm clearly grammatically losing my mind. I feel like I've just absorbed, in giving my son to the publicschool gods, the weight and impact of this job on my life. How am I ever going to absorb the loss of it? Its going to keep going and going. . .
I think I'm having an empty nest syndrome thing, except that I can't retire, don't want to get drunk by myself (yet) and can't tolerate the ever-rotating mailmen. . . so damn inconsistent...
Do I need to have more babies so that I can have more to do? By the by, you can do ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING with just one baby at home. anything.
but the toddler starts a half day preschool next week.
I am going to completely crack up.
AND i am so damn sad about it all. . . am i done? should i just curl up and die? hire some ditto to make snacks after school and just leave ?
Posted by Kate Bowie at 2:13 PM