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Wednesday, January 4, 2012

What do you want?

really, i suppose its too much of a New Year's Thing... the assessment of what is, will be and will become and what our hopes are when we open our eyes after the wishes are made and the candles blown out...
I've been having problems with my old familiar rut lately, so much that I think I'll be heading into another 'cleanse*' at the end of the month, of the house, the food, all of it...we need more light and there is too much blocking the windows...

*(this is how I do that: http://hannahsharvest.com/the-making-space-cleanse/)

My rut and I are very old friends, and it is so cozy down there. so cozy. So when I think about resolutions and dreams for the future at the New Year, I have a hard time getting out of the box.  I've put some serious consideration into what it is I'd like to change and really, I'm having a hard time thinking about goal-oriented specifics... or maybe its just that I don't feel my language capability is equipped for the 'new-ageyness' of it all... i'm not all sparkle, glimmer and sunshine, see?  A dinner mate told me over the weekend that I was a loner.  Is this true? I have no idea. I'm certainly alone a lot. sheesh. I don't even know.  And she IS a girl of sparkle and glimmer. dude.

 ... and it isn't that I'm so content that I can't see the change possibilities.  I wish...(ah, but I don't really, I can't formulate an actual wish... and therein, post-subject #5497) ...  I have a great life in many ways, but it is not filling me up with joy, and I'd like some more of that. I want to spread the damn stuff around. At the very least, I'd like to make it easier to access the joy on a regular basis.     Some of that, for me, is eating better, remembering to do yoga in a pointed daily-type way, and getting more time to meditate.  I AM going to clear more space...stop acquiring, go on a purchasing-boycott...  even my lovely quiet space at the top of the stairs is gathering 'things' and I am changing that, maybe even today... I'd like more music in my life... being a hearing-impaired fool makes it hard to listen to much new stuff, as it sounds like seaslush melody and I can't make out lyrics at all... so I've decided that I might need to teach myself an instrument... music welcome! come on in, lady muse, come on in...
Making it public is step one.  What else have I made public? not much. not much. hm. I think I need to step back from feeling how public this is and step back into just writing about my life and what it contains.  I think it'll help me feel more connected, to myself and to the few friends I've got reading this... less conspicuous and more intimate?
What do I want?
can anyone help me with this one?
:)

3 comments:

Nancy said...

Oo. Good question. Thing is, a rut and a groove are the same shape...one we try and get out of, one we try and get into. Wacky huh? Don't know where that little tidbit gets me though. I love your intimacy...it's fragile and wonderful these things you share.

wifemotherexpletive said...

Oh, Nancy, see what I mean? Your comment rocks my boat... ruts/grooves... its awesome... and why i ever came here in the first place. Thanks!

Mama Mama Quite Contrary said...

I was thinking about doing that cleanse too. I'm on the fence because sometimes all that joy makes me crave a little darkness, if you know what I mean. :-)