Wednesday, April 16, 2014

fluster, now. and hope, despite myself.

it is spring. it snowed last night, it is cold outside, the wind calls for a coat, even.  . . but i did my morning walk around the yard and everything is still alive, like it always is.  honestly, spring is what keeps me alive, its the internal fester and boil of the soul, come to rest and progress and growth . 
how amazing the world is.
how amazing.

ah. i'm still hiding, dealing with my own resistances and disbeliefs and so on and so forth.  but i remember now the balm of walking outside, grubbing hands in the dirt, scratches from the brambles.  and thats all so damn good.

i lay in the boys bed with my husband last night, the middle, 6 year old boy, rolled over us, making us a flattened love pancake 'so it would stay forever'.  my 8 was on the floor reading and the girlie was wandering to and fro.  it was one of those times when you know it would be allright if you left right then, that everything would be okay... and blissful, it was blissful.  ( i don't mean the morbidity, but just to suggest that giving them and me that one memory, makes everything allright, its all good. )

i moved around our indoor plants, window changing, light allowing... watching the seedlings like a hawk circling my chickens...

my hands are dry, cracked, all my nails are different lengths, and most are a bit dirty. i am wrinkly.  my son told me the top of my head was white.  i can't figure out how to look up there and see for myself.  it may be time to get my hair cut. 

a woman i like invited our whole family for dinner. i'm afraid she has made a mistake. it would be nice to be wrong.

agh. its cold out. i might go open a window, i might turn on the pellet stove.  i can't decide.  there is a ball game tonight,  might be perfect.



Dana - Old Red Barn Co. said...

Ok. So this is my first time to your blog and it's because you left a comment on mine and I love your "wifemotherexpletive" name and HAD to see who you are. And, you are awesome! I've sat here and read post after post of yours. You are a talented writer and I love your sense of humor.

I love this letter to your newspaper. I don't know what kind of reaction you will receive when it hits the paper, but I will hope it is overwhelmingly positive, supportive and accepting. I hope that it makes a few people uncomfortable and take a hard look at how they are voting. Small town life is hard stuff.

I've book marked you and will be back. Often.