Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Self-crisis, momentarily...

one of the goals, arguably, in life is to be more free of the 'what other people think of me' triangle.
i say arguably, because even in making it a goal, we are putting a certain amount of notice and weight on what others think in the first place. and there are tons and tons of other goals, for everyone.
for me, there is no argument. I need to think less of other people and their thoughts of me. In truth, they are not thinking of me at all.  ah!
I am trying more and more to trust my gut, to do what gives me pleasure, straight up. I am doing more and more with the kids, which makes me feel right in the world, and I am also saying no more often to them, clearly and without arguing their pleas of 'thats not fair', 'you're so mean'... and hmmm, oh, the wordless body-on-the-floor-fling.... Just simple, clear.


I'm very far from not caring. very far.  I'm finding it more and more difficult to handle my own self-doubt and self-critique, and all the made-up scenarios in which people are judging me, one way or another, even in comments or no comments, and so on and so forth...

I'm working on looking into my eyes more often, making sure that I know I am in there.  In the Frey book, A Million Little Pieces,  he had a recurrent battle to try to look at his own eyes, and whilst I am no addict, and my shames are not his, I have found a reservoir of shame in me during this divorce process, that I have been surprised by.
shame is a tricky bitch. I've been reading a Brene Brown book, Daring Greatly, in which shame is distinct from guilt in this way... one is 'i am bad' and one is 'i have done something bad'...
shame is a tricky, tricky bitch.

I do go see Chakra Carol soon, so maybe I can jump back on that COURAGE wagon.  There is so much more...
do you have these times?

*i don't know how to link anymore, i'm hooked to amazon affiliates but don't think i know how to work it, would never recommend anything just for amazon's benefit, so no fears... but am proving to be a real and true luddite. still can't figure out how to reply to comments...