Monday, March 28, 2016

Work, its all work.

Typing on a teeny computer keyboard, and trying to figure out how I'm going to learn all the things I need to learn right now ...In some ways I feel like I am back in high school, romanticizing in full ignorance of the possibilities ahead... Most of the things I am having to learn while my panties are in a bunch.  I am emotionally wrecked by the 'girlfriend' and totally feel swamped by it. It is not that I want to live with him, or have sex with him... It is that I want him to want me, and he doesn't.  I want him to know that I am the most powerful woman in the world, and he doesn't. And in fact, he doesn't even like me.


And that is very normal, and i get it, but it is also completely HIGH SCHOOL.

He is a talented person, but his treatment of me has been remarkably different than his in-office personality, and the break has been illuminating and freeing for me in many ways, and is now officially heading towards paper works of divorce.

And so, I am needing to tally my 'monetary needs' so I can finally be paid for all the housework and child-rearing that I have done whilst he was in school and living the difficult life of a student and full-time worker and socializer.  Seriously, his work is hard, it's just that he gets an awful lot of bennies that I am particularly sensitive about right now.  I have a lovely life, but it has an awful lot of contingencies that make me feel a lot more 'single mother of three' than 'single'...

The process of tallying figures that will be my only income is both frightening and funny. What if I forget something?* How will I pay for the fridge breaking? (Touch wood.) I haven't had income for ten flipping years, how do I accommodate this? and then funny, because I am sortof getting to make my own salary for my new job, and thats just unavoidably grinworthy. Its been a long time since I've been paid.  I'M GETTIN' PAID!

I am in need of work... and my own salary, free of 'child support'.  Anytime you press on one of those ads on the side, I get a penny.  I never ever knew that people clicked on ads, but evidently? Yes! I have a full twenty cents waiting for me in the virtual world... I've been making my plans on how to spend it.

I'm going to start editing and proofreading from home, am studying up on my grammars and sentence structures, but all this will take time, unless you know you want me to work for you right this second.
I'm making plans, and doing work, and crying in the bathtub.  Its a doozy.

The biggest job I have right now, aside from being an even keel for the kids, is not getting freaked out by the future...
will i be alone forever? will i find a man to do womanly things with? Will he be a nice one? What am I going to do if money is scarce? or stops? I have no retirement, goddamnit!  What if the 'woman' works here? Does everybody know?  Do they pity me? Think me unlovable? scorned? ( i DO seriously walk down the halls of the school and feel shame and fear that everyone knows and is pitying me. it is overwhelming. and it is a big job to get myself out of it.  sometimes i am successful.but mostly i've been crying in the bathtub.)

( and i do get how priviledged and lucky i am that his salary has afforded us both this lifestyle and this 'time' to figure out money without having to sell the house and so i am always aware of this in my crisis, that we are so lucky to have it, and that is enough, and it is so lucky and amazing, financially speaking)


MotherOfGooses said...

that is a really cool way to think about it! and I will click the ads faithfully from now on :)