Friday, May 20, 2016


Today I head off to a hippy-dippy Quaker retreat with the boys, for the weekend.  The theme has to do with God's sense of humor.  I have a quote on my wall by the computer which says"humor is an affirmation of dignity",  and its a fortune cookie fortune.  And I think I'm a pretty funny girl, really, though these days have been pretty trying, and I only laugh with my kids.

It will be a place with calm, placid, loving adults and thirty or so rambunctious 8-10 year olds. And I am afraid.

I am afraid to be in a place of support and goodness for I fear I will be seen in my hot mess. And, as my friend Pam tried to counsel me, the worst case scenario is that someone would hold my hand and rub my back as I broke into a million pieces.

Vulnerability is risk and exposure. And when it is purposeful, it is brave. When it takes you over, frightening.

So I'm scared of the peace, contentment and guidance of Quaker compassion.

This retreat is for kids, not for me.
This makes me both a turd, and a woman who has a lot on her plate. And I'm grappling.

Fingers crossed that I am able to access Light during my time of shadow.

Fingers crossed.