I had a nice day on Saturday, until i went awry.
I was channeling Skunk energy, if you know about animal medicine cards, and it was great. I talked to the mediator, arrived in a sunny breezy spring day to the first soccer game, enjoyed... lay on a blanket with my three and watched play in uniform unfold.
Then traveled an hour with J and kids to the next game, also lovely. felt almost normal, which is the trick on me I have to watch for more closely.
I had been trying to ask J, in the car, about whether he was getting good support, who he was talking to, imagining that dating is not the time that emotional vulnerabilities about a failed marriage are discussed. wanting to know which friends were bolstering him. There is so much longterm intimacy that doesn't go away. or, hasn't yet.
and i have so much hope for him still, and worry and all those things I've done for so long, because he was my husband, and I thought our lives were connected forever, all the way down the lifelines.
One of my snaps was that I asked him to get me my weekly powerball ticket when he bought the kids donuts, and he joked that the law will say he gets half. and it popped my hope bubble.
I've been buying the tickets to give myself a tangible, silly proof that having hope is not supposed to hurt. and in that moment, it hurt again.
I still have hope, and its pretty amorphous, and I don't even know what it IS that I'm hoping for, anymore. but i'm going to buy my two dollar lottery ticket, because hope should not hurt, it is HOPE, for chrissakes. and i am exercising my right to frivolous HOPE, whatever the odds.
Is there a point at which there is no turning back? or is there ever a point at which turning back is really an option? are we facing forwards no matter which way our head is turned? where our feet are pointed is our direction and the like?