Monday, May 9, 2016

Divorce, Mother's Day style.

I made my first big dinner as the head of my household. It was a hit with the kids and the adults ate it too. Rocked the first fried chicken dinner, as these things go. My in-laws were there, and will be there with me forever, whether the law says so or no. I love them to bits and pieces, and in their eyes and hearts, I will never be replaced, nor will they, for me.

It is hard to match that with how I feel about J. and his visions for his own future, which do not include me, except as the caretaker of the children.

Steel has no place in me. It is not the same for other people. J.'s hardness can be unbearable. But it is good to recognize that my porousness, if that be such a word, is also soft, and full of love and possibility.

These are tough days, and I am swamped by the reverberations of everything that I am hearing and doing and feeling.  I am just trying to find my clarity, but this is pretty swampy land, and I have no guide posts to feel my way along.

As my mother-in-law says to me often, 'it is what it is.' and while that is not particularly comforting, which is not in her demeanor, it is true.

But I get to choose what is next, and 'what will be'.  thats a whole different ballgame.

*and the day ended magically, with the kids playing outside while i was wrapped in a blanket on the porch. so there is MAGIC. and her name is MOTHER.