Thursday, December 18, 2008

Chakra lady and chatter

I made an appt to go see Chakra Carol again, mostly at my sisters insistence that she go WITH me... I like Carol and feel she's an actual force to be reckoned with. But- I've gotten pretty far off the track of investigating whats going on with me lately. Between my overly-self-indulging husband and my kids and the work of the holidays- the fears of weaning, exploding with fat and bloat when I do, and all that time passing, I am in a sorry state of disrepair. I made great strides earlier in the fall, with self-care and cooking for the first time (big meals, healthy meals, kid-friendly big healthy meals! ) I used up all the squashes we were given, several different ways and with tasty, surprisingly tasty results. I figured it was all my sacral chakra getting all aligned to enable me to take care of myself, be better to myself. ALL of which I have to do just to get everybody fed without including McDonald's in my planning. (which is a goddamned bloody shame, quarter pounders are a great pleasure for me. too bad they slowly fatten my kids and slowly kill the world)
SO- what to do, how to prepare for this meeting, wherein I honestly can say that I am in the middle of nowhere? Like an addict off the wagon, depressing beyond belief to look up through the spokes. Its a lot of work to get up and then its a bumpy ride and your tailbone is constantly cracking.
I don't feel like I've got a lot of support. My sister is very good, really, but I mostly feel like the people around me are consumed by their own things, and are full of talk when it comes to giving me a hand. I am not looking for a lot of help, but if there is an offer made, it should be bonified. Its like making a new friend and not being sure that everything is on the up and up- how far does this newfound thing go? What level of intimacy are we shooting for? Is this a new real friend/girlfriend or just another mommy we know from school? A temporary chatter? I feel like there's a lot of chatter happening to me now, and I am filtering all my friendships through an expectation for chatter that may in fact make me responsible. ? . Maybe I"m too comfortable with the moralizing, judging stance. whatever. seriously, WHATever. blame me, make me responsible for chatter - this is the self-indulging wahwah of the stay at home mom. I must be responsible for EVerything. Look, the kid just tied his shoes. I rock. Look, he just punched his brother in the head, I suck. Look, he can walk, I am good. Look, etc...
so sucks the life - today anyhow.
what the hell do i tell carol?