Monday, May 24, 2010

Temper Temper Tempeh

the thing is: I just don't have anything nice to say, I'm full of rot and loathing lately and I'm exploding with the silence of it... anger management, my ass.

one of the problems for me is that I , like most moms who are with kids the whole day through, have no place to direct my anger, no place to express it in a healthy way or no knowledge of what that healthy way actually is. 'can't do it in front of the kids' and so on...

so, what do stay at home dads do, assuming them to be more in touch with a physical expression of emotion? do they really squelch their angers down? run outside and throw bottles? do they drink lots of wine, eat boxes of pasta at a go*? what do you do, mamas, assuming females to talk more, process more about emotions but not know any better how to deal with them if they aren't positive ones? unless of course, you do know what to do with it.
chakra carol post in the past says anger is about wanting someone to feel guilty. amanda says its about fear, i think it both. but whats the gender divide here? and what the hell is the relevancy if we can't get me to figure it out?!
i'm sort of laughing. a little bitterly, maybe, but laughing. sort of.

*In the past few months I have actually had the pleasure of watching myself develop the seriously problematic eating-for-comfort strategy. It doesn't actually work, I find myself getting upset AS i put the fork to my mouth and then feeling bloated and sort of yucky afterwards. so- what for this purposeful upset? i don't have enough to be angry about? i have to get mad at my need for comfort!? my inability to find it in a real way? c'mon . this is f'in ridiculous. (i'm quitting on the f word for a few days because of my last post, thank you. )

the more I eat, the more danger I put myself in as regards my Crohn's, so its no joke. part of the self-destruction on the slowest scale.
there is also the degree to which getting larger is to bland oneself out, making tempeh of what was once cayenne... maybe making my external match what i feel is sometimes my internal, or the flavor of my lifestyle.

- sidebar regarding tv and intentional parenting: have cut it down to one half hour show per day for almost a week now, with some sort of special movie/show as we get ready for bed... kids ask but don't argue when i say no. . . crazy. . .
playing with them a lot more,the kids MUST entertain themselves soon, I'm not very good at playing four year old and two year old. well, truth be told, i AM good at it, but don't think I play by the right rules, too 'mommified'. they'll get it soon, I think, the blocks are calling them, and so forth. . . looking forward to getting some laundry done soon, getting a dryer this week so I won't have to wait for sunny days anymore. i like sunny days. I want more sunny days, light on the rot and loathing, please.


Mama Mama Quite Contrary said...

So not to go all Oprah on you but I read recently that women who overeat do so as a way of squelching "real" emotion. In other words, If I eat a piece of cake when I'm not hungry it is because it will make me feel better and I won't have to think about why I'm so angry. Then, as a fantastic transferance, the anger becomes about eating the cake and not about the root cause of why you're eating in the first place.

Who knows if this is true. I mean I always thought I was fat because I really enjoy eating and I don't enjoy exercising. I seem more clueless than you though. :-)

Viv said...

Sadly, eating anything smothered in butter cream icing makes me feel better.

:) Mostly stopping by to say 'hi.'