Thursday, May 13, 2010

resistance is futile . or, We love Owen...

so. Owen is a commenter from the last post. Evidently, he is not my husband. I thought, for sure, weirdly, that it was my husband, just because it is very easy to tell myself that only he and I and sometimes someone else, read this.

not true.

and because the comment was so fabulous, i have decided to use the omnipotent 'we' when describing myself, when i can remember to. we can remember to...


all that six hour blush aside, I have come to this conclusion (i'm sure it'll be temporary, so 'conclusion' may in itself, be rash..) perfection is ugly.

Right? all the zenny's of the world say that the majority of our struggle is a refusal to accept what is. I get that, boy, I do. I do not want to have the life I currently have. I should be WAY more trippy and kid-oriented and not resent them their very noisemaking ability- that which, by the way, I am responsible for- because I freaking grew them in my stomach.

There are multiple times per day when I raise my eyes to the heavens and question the Maker, and ask if really? really? is this REALLY what I am here for? to witness THIS?! to bear the slings and arrows of these two sometimes TERRIBLE children? sometimes, they are just freaking AWFUL. and it is there, the immediate sense that somehow I have put them at jeopardy by naming them publicly... there it is, a wierd superstitous throwback to the days when witches sank...

what the hell.

If we are not to struggle against what our lives are, if we are not to fritter our hours hiding in (caves, televisions, drugs, alcohol, judgement, vacuuming, stamping it up!, sex ?hahahahahaha., and so on... ) how are we to move on, to make change, if we are to be so g'damned accepting?

its all perfect, as it is, because it is...

so i hear.

hear? ha, more irony.

perfect is, evidently, ugly, not what you thought it would be, no part of anybody's dream, and yet, still perfect.

maybe symmetry is the cruel joke here.

how's that for something to get into?

p.s. I really appreciated the comment O, but had to make it funny/public or it would keep me from writing because I'd be embarassed. ya dig?


Owen A said...

ya, I certainly do dig.
I feel I may owe an apology, if not to you- then perhaps to your husband. My conscious intention was to compliment and encourage your blog- not foster marital doubt.
I did not fully consider the effect of my comment- since my google id essentially leads to the blank wall of my paranoid internet non-presence.
It is not 'normal' for one's first communication/sharing with a stranger to be something as heartfelt and long stored as my comment was. And I most likely would not have posted in that way but for things happening in my own life that are affecting the way I perceive things, and perhaps my judgment. [and by judgment- I mean only my tendency to restraint-]

On the subject of perfection; or the vain striving toward the imagined platonic ideal of geometry [which may never "fit" within the oddly shaped corners of our "real"]
- I offer this:

btw: the spotlight headline to this post compares me with the borgmind- no? {don't make me list/ownupto/admit my failures} I am certainly as asymmetrical and unaccepting as the next Odgen Nash you may meet. [as soon as more than two fingers of my person emerge into the blogdom- you may be sadly disappointed- that alas there is just [[[a small boy] inside a man] behind the curtain]]

Jen said...

I WANT AN OWEN! Damn it, you crazy girl, you got an OWEN! He's so damn smart with all those big words. He can probably tile like Josh... oh my.

Your acronyms made my day! A little less dizzy today. Sucks being dizzy, normally flaky but never dizzy. Hate dizzy. Thanks for laughs friend, they did me good.