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Friday, May 28, 2010

How much is lost?

before the rose explosion in the backyard...

Frequently it is a very deep and abiding/biding that I do here. It seems, just as frequently, that it is fluff and furry stink of the animal sort. It has been raised that perhaps I lose something in sending out these missives, something that I don't get back and something for which i will feel the loss. or may already feel the loss. . .

I think that I am much bigger than my pieces.

I always tell my husband that I am bigger on the inside. and I am. and I can't help but think that the constant flinging that I do here is sort of like the starfish thrower, the man who throws them back one at a time because that is what he CAN do...

i know, try to control your gag reflex.

but true.

There are times when I wish for companionship on the bloggeryblog, some sort of constant, reliable, only-for-me comfort...

but then I unhook myself for a few days, and it gets better. I DO have bloggeryblog comfort, its just not as instantaneous as I want it to be all the time. but it comes in dribs and drabs and spectacular polka musics, here and there...

and because it is NOT instantaneous, I actually value it more, look at it more critically, and investigate my thoughts about it.

And right now, there are lots of people who learn about me here, and sometimes I don't get the same from them- or I miss out on the learning part of a new relationship, and that is true as well. but I have lots of reading to do, almost every day... and I like that alot.

and in the mean time, you out there, collecting my bits and pieces? give me something to write about, again. send me a missive. give me something to think about.

3 comments:

Jen said...

I am thinking about a garage sale. A stupid garage sale. It is way more work than it's worth. The real question is, every year I proclaim "THIS IS MY LAST GARAGE SALE!" and then 365 days later I have enough crap to have another one....how would Chakra Carol diagnose this? There has to be an official diagnosis. BTW. Weather forecast for said garage sale....SNOW! Fuck off. I hate garage sales.

The D said...

Been thinking all night about this... What could I possibly offer to you? You with your raw honesty and ability to combine words that convey the exact moment/feeling/thought? Gratitude for sharing what I ALWAYS feel myself resonating with...
I think about how I've spent my entire life living outside my body and now that I have children there is this overwhelming NEED to STAY when all I want to do is fly away... and how I imagine this is what an addict feels like when they are sober- like every nuance to life is new but so unpracticed. How can I have relationships if I can't be comfortable in my own skin? If I don't even know how to DO the day? Be present. Right? Blah Blah Blah.
I really really really like that you are bigger inside and that you say so.
So, yes, I learn about you, but I also learn about me. (control that gag reflex starfish thrower)
I love you!

Jamie said...

I'm thinking about my children. The ones who at the same time drive me nuts and astound me with their brilliance. The 3-year old who says, "Mom, look! That's 'he fitty' - right there!" (reading - actually sounding out words READING! - HEFTY off of the trash bag box). And the 20-month old spica girl whose cast came off last week, who's asking to use the potty even though she won't walk for weeks. And the baby that we'll never get to know, who would have been due in August.

And I'm thinking about me and this drive to go back to work - to make something of myself (and to escape these crazy children for a few hours at a time). What about me? What do I enjoy? I don't know right now. I do know that this Mom gig is the most important job I could have. Why am I wishing that away so quickly? Maybe I need to start a blog :)