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Thursday, May 6, 2010

remembrance, reminder


so i've been depressed, had some marital strife, a panicstricken re-living of loss, a bit of pneumonia, a flood, a repair/remodel, and yesterday i registered my big boychild for kindergarten. I want to have another baby.


i know.


someone put their hand on my shoulder, tell me to put my feet up and think about how I might never be able to do that- any of it- again... how hard it is with three kids, how tired and fat you are, how, how...


I like my world of impulses, i do. and i feel the impulse, which has 'pulse' in it, so must be linked to life and living and proof of something bigger than me... right?


and I already have a dog. so?


My self-esteem could NOT POSSIBLY be lower. the fraud and fake that I think I am, is bordering on a freaky vain thing at this point. nobody is more 'dorky/awkward/fearful/sloppy/etc. than I am... I WIN!!!! WHOOOOHOOOO... .

I tend to live in a bubble of quasi-toughness, which is true, (I am tough, I have spent a lot of time making it so, and it has worked to a deep level, covering up/scratching the eyes out of... the quivering sand creature watching the oil spill in... ) and yet a lie... (as I could never do roller derby because of a fear of being hurt) but I'd like everyone to think I would do the tough girl thing in a flash. Its fairly emblematic of my current life situation. I want to be a roller girl, but really can't. and because I don't really want to be that roller chick, i feel bad about myself, and then I end up trying to make it fit, that someone else must be making me feel bad about myself or that i really am some kind of loser. well, if i am, then so are you, and maybe i should just redefine the whole 'loser' category, and cut myself, and you, you loser, some slack.


what say we all?

time for a baby?! with my own bad self?

Chakra Carol should be on a conference call today. I'm going nuts. and so are you, and so are they.

positive.

6 comments:

amyontheroad said...

holy crap! i guess i'm okay with being a loser if it includes me in your company.

holier crap! another baby is an insane amount of work. but you'd have a baby! and, my goodness, you're lucky if you can bring another one of those into your life. if everyone thought this through thoroughly, instead of listening to impulses, there'd be NO babies. man, the urge is strong. you don't need to fight it.

Mama Mama Quite Contrary said...

Fight the urge and if you want reasons, come on over to my house. Really...

At least wait until E is in school before you try for a baby-- you'll have some regular free time which might influence your decision. God, what I wouldn't give for that.

I'm a loser too but there's power in knowing it, right?

The D said...

The "Mommy List"... Sigh. Maybe we should rename it to the "Woman List"? Is it true? Really? Oh, Fuck me. I know. I feel the same way about it today, too.

Jen said...

Oh gosh, just email me. Let's be email friends. I seriously am pretty sure we are sole mates --HA that was an accidental misspelling. I think it was freudian, related to how lonely I am.

I too am experiencing marital strife which would make the most hilarious blog post, but he would be so pissed and I am trying so hard to take the high road.

Mostly I want to get drunk.

But instead we could be supportive email buddies.

I vote in favor of baby #3.

urban craft said...

oh just do it!
Do whatever!
Do we ever really have control over anything that happens in our life anymore even kids?

I can't remember the last time I was drunk.
I want in too!

Who is this mysterious Chakra Carol?

Monica said...

I vote for baby #3 too. B/c you want one, and we all know when we're done. Right? And all that loser stuff is so familiar to me too. Ignore it, if you can't beat it. Fake it till you make it. Act AS IF you are confident...and the confidence will follow. I sure as shit hope so, cuz that's what I'm going with.

Plus, 3 is a fibonacci number too. :)