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Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Pete and Repeat... number 4


I'm so sick of myself. blagh. Seems, if I look back at all, that I keep moving in circles, repeating myself, right down to adoration of a certain Teresa, or allusions to my wild sexual past (present)...blagh.
I've been reading, listening, waiting for the next thing to happen, its leaving me feeling a little bit lost and loose, like the wind we've been having here today... sunny, blustery without the bluster, lifting perhaps.... things are stirred up and unsettled.  I read a post* about being pushed out of a comfort zone in order to find a new ecstasy.... and fell in love with that idea again. 
AGAIN?! holy smokes, why am I so repetitious, why can't I just go ahead and learn something and move forward, as in, a step up a step up, instead of the whirlygig? aye? whut?!
There is so much going on here that is up in the air, and I have been handling my fair share of anxiety about all these things, like where we will live if we actually can rent this place out? my parents have a spare bedroom (one.one bed for four, like normal, yea?) but living there might push us all off a cliff. I think I am building up my anxieties to prevent myself from taking a leap of faith off a cliff. 
really, i do.  I think it may be called for here.   Just let it go, have faith, real Faith in God that I will be taken care of, because I am one of His. 
dude.
aha.  ha.
I'm having a hard time taking myself seriously. with all of this... right down to the reiki.  so full of doubt, judgement, the impossibility of ME being involved with any of it, me?! reiki? christian? holy holy.  o brother.
The temptation to discount my own experiences is pretty fierce, and very old hat to me. very.

I will have a place to live, I will continue to breathe. The sun will continue to rise.



*( http://www.aholyexperience.com/2011/02/of-jesus-oprah-the-nytime-best-sellers-list/   It is wonderfully written but distinctly Christian so give it a go if you feel like it... )

5 comments:

Owen A said...

mhmm. I'd tell you to cut your self a little slack off the rope you are ripping out the top to keep the whirly gig life moving at the speed required for stability, [but I wouldn't likely listen to another tell me same {liken one point of identity we have; to be "real" "serious" one must be unrelentingly hard on oneself;; < me even when I really blow off what i'm "supposed" to be doing; it is paid with triple-dog guilt immediately following whatever small freedom is found > }

The Maven said...

Change can be totally freaky. I think this is the time of year when a lot of us are re-evaluating. The winter blues, shorter days, and all that. I'm up and down and al over the place right now. Totally spinning my wheels. So I definitely hear you!

Owen A said...

this: http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/02/28/go-easy-on-yourself-a-new-wave-of-research-urges/?src=me&ref=homepage

wifemotherexpletive said...

i'm trying to cut myself some slack, i am. really. it is the season, as maven says... AND there is a lot of change going on...

if the nytimes backs me up, i'm legit... I'm legit and I deserve to be legit... :)

Mama Mama Quite Contrary said...

WMX, you are too legit, too legit to quit!