I'm sitting outside on the back deck, listening to birds and traffic, rehashing innocuous things I may have said to J., and having leftover Chinese and a bottle of beer. I think I'm hearing robins and a cardinal and more. The chickens are slowly making their way to the coop, and the cat keeps jumping into the air in attack/surprise mode. There never seems to be any cause. I have painted today, in preparation for painting tomorrow, and I am trying very hard to feel like a superpower in the world, instead of the one for whom all does not go well. The fight is on for my self-esteem when I am alone, and I am frequently overwhelmed with aimlessness. My hands are looking old, but it is color, and it is dirt, as I have gardened and planted and spread the possibility for growth, all around.
Aimless? Holy shit. Are we all? Are some people really like heat-speaking missiles instead of roaming ones? I'm all over the freaking map. It is truly disconcerting.
Today is Friday. Legend has it that I am not supposed to post because no one reads on the weekend. I do. A lot.
2 comments:
Kate, I recently discovered your blog and read back furiously. You are a kick-ass writer and I admire your vulnerability! Actually I have admired you since the time we met. Sorry to hear of you going through a really difficult time. My heart ached a lot reading...Love, love, love the writing and I find that I relate to so much and makes me feel not so alone. Struggles may vary in forms but we all have them. You speak to a ton of women just sharing your experience.
thanks so much, honest to mom, i wish i had more control over the amount of vulnerability lately, but no... and ... we've met?! holy smokes... fill me in...
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