I really don't know how it happened, but it did... I was walking around looking for something to eat, realizing that all the shops had closed, it was barely dusk!... and I had a big realization. It wasn't an epiphany with musics and angels and light, but it was much more quiet, more of a deep, in-bone-recognition than I would have expected. I think walking a little bit must've channeled the energy in the right direction, for once. For all the years I spent with J, in worry, and in trepidation, betrayals, fear, anger, flatlines, etc. , I loved him. I had faith in him no matter what he did to abuse the relationship. I kept waiting for him to choose me, but no go... but what this is!?!:
I have an amazing capacity to love. , against all odds... right to the moon.
amazing.
That's a pretty big sentence. and a pretty radical shift in perspective.
Throughout all of that, I still loved. My heart still functions, even now. Even as he treats me like a stranger after fifteen years, I still worry for him, and wish him well. I am fucking amazing.
I am a SUPERHERO.
I have chosen an incredibly hard road to go down, to give my children more of my solidity, and my goodness. Because I love them, possibly MORE than I love myself. It's more definite than possible, because I still have a lot of work to do. but there it is.
I am a SUPERHERO.
I may still be dealing with shame for how I let myself be treated, but it is a great feeling to have put such a satisfying twist on it, and to deeply believe it. It changes me, charges me. . .
(do i sound too woo-woo? can't help it. i'll revert back by tomorrow, i'm sure. not in thought, but in type.)
1 comments:
that is no small thing to discover about yourself. It is worth celebrating!
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