Friday, May 29, 2009


i've got this thing coming up and I've got to 'share' at it... and I've been thinking way too much about how to phrase things and how to make jokes and make it funny- which of course dooms it to banality immediately. There is now and has been so much going on lately.
** Wahooo. I must have had the dates wrong. I showed up and there wasn't anyone there and my buddy and I sat for three hours in the parking lot and talked. and thats the sharing I really needed, so thats the universe tit for you.
there is still so much going on. I'm dealing with a liar in my personal life on a regular basis and trying to figure out how to deal with that while still moving forward. I am not the sort to 'cut anyone out' so don't have that option currently. I think it IS the best option for many relationships at many times, but not me and not now.
My grandmother is ill and the management of the situation is poor and the loss of control is one that I recognize has little to do with anything tangible and all to do with what her mindframe must be like as she experiences her own mortality and I watch this process unfold and realize my own for the first time. I never thought I had fear of it or trepidation but I am completely upset by this experience, in my core. upset. off kilter and unsettled. if only I thought she were comfortable.
My kids are growing so fast that I am feeling the need to stop them. which is ludicrous and must be tied to mortality and my own aging and a growing realization of loneliness .