Tuesday, May 19, 2009

used to be

the lap of luxury, it used to be. . .

I used to be a rock hard babe. not in any way is that a physical description for me, not at any time- but I was a definitely noticeable sexy thang. and then I had me some kids, and while they in specifics are not to blame, they -in generalities , are. if you follow. The days of handsome strangers are gone, mostly blissfully, and my handsome husband is frequently the playactor of my dreams. . . but the freedom of the tramp (and by that I mean, the search, the plunder..not the Tramp.... smut.) is gone. Its not the thrills of being single that I miss, I think I remember the downfalls of single life clearly. its the lust for intimacy, if you will, sometimes even the simple hand on the shoulder drives me insane. I am so often not in control of my own physical space. As well-- I frequently do not shower, sometimes subsist on sandwich crusts and dropped cheerios and cannot identify which toothbrush is definitively mine. any wonder I avoid naked?

its not that i think i am solely responsible, my time and my body have been co-opted by the many & varied needs of children. BUT, i have been the willing participant, yes?

and i want it back. . .a working sexuality. I read/hear other people who seem to have it and feel a strange glimmer of recognition ... mirror glint through a fog... I remember it fondly but with a great deal of confusion as to how to regain a more casual and FREQUENT relationship to intimacy ( to couch it in the most benign of terms- ahhh, the couch-- not just a place for nursing, holding sickkids or watching television? )


Amanda said...

You can have it again!!! Maybe not today, or tomorrow. Maybe in a few years, but it will be 10 times better than you rememember. mark my words.

Mama Mama Quite Contrary said...

I am SOOO with you. My idea of sexy these days is the pair of yoga pants that DON'T have kid crusties on them. I want to be better than that but have lost the ability.

Kate Hall said...

Mindful: I AM marking those words, so keep writing so I can track you down and gossip when IT finally makes its way back to me.