Saturday, May 23, 2009

can't find the phone

i can feel that somewhere out there, the phone is ringing. can't tell for whom... or where the hell it is. damn cell phones and deaf ears... the combo is a joke.
man, when i work at funny i am really bad. so so bad.
otherwise i am a crack-up. those times when i look around and see people hugging themselves and I'm not even sure what it is that I've said? I love those times. Makes me feel on the good side of the universe, easing into the positive side of the universal tit-for-tat I engage in. Its been a stupid hellish week, and I've been trying very hard to focus on small goods and they have been there in full force. New friends, laughing on the playground, E. chasing birds slowmotion toddler style in the park, C. growing into a real boy... spending time thinking about how I feel about that 'boy' thing. I mean, as in raising a 'boy', not genitalia. How to teach him to be careful of physicality in the same way a mom with a girl might do it. sharing the responsibility and so on. Just coming into an awareness of it for the first time with schoolmates. . .
Its just peach blossoms on the surface of the floodwaters. doesn't make the flood any goddamned less devastating, but makes the swirl a better ride.
It sounds so damn sad, but I think I'm getting lines of frown on my face. I can't believe that I've had enough frowns to settle into my mouth like this- I always thought I'd be one of those applehead ladies full of mirth and sunglimmer sparkle in the eyes. And I'm thinking about it too much. I'm pushing my jowls around even now.
I bought two losing lottery tickets today to try and boost my hope capacity. We've painted, done drawings, looked at our letters, took the kids to the grocery to get easy supper options for while Dad is doing so many latenights and overnights,- feeling sorry for myself is actually quite a heavy load and I'm eating lots of pasta and sugar to fortify against my isolation. rock the fabulous thighs, man, rock them.