Thursday, August 19, 2010


this morning i committed to not checking email.  i lasted through 8 am. still had a sleeping child and was willing to walk by him to check the email.  there is something about this expectation that has a dirty tinge to it. this is what i wrote, on real paper, yesterday, to be posted here... real paper!!

Expectation, as regards connectivity, the constancy of communication, the raised stakes of our emotions when we are always, no breaks, expecting a call, an email, a 'ding'... We keep our phones ON our bodies, how can this not have any affect? we wear sunscreen, eat organic but wear something which 'talks' to the satellites? hm. i digress. our hearts are racing, even at rest, because we are always 'on', the stimulation of expectation..
how crushed can i be when i don't get thoughtful comments instantaneously upon writing? calls? emails? one day with no contact can plunge me into what now seems a sort of false depression. at the time it isn't less real than another, but with distance? i wonder at the completely unreasonable expectation /desire . i don't think that i would want to be busy with phone calls/emails/contact all day,( the realm of the work-for-pay people or the avg teen...)  so why the emotional connection?
There is something in it which is an addiction, some hook beneath the skin which keeps us away from BEING more. more full, more Actually connected, more devoted to what IS.
On the camping trip, both men checked their messages, returned calls and booked appointments.  I think there is something sort of terrible about that.  Its expected of them... they expect it of themselves, but there is still something wrong with it, this ability to 'communicate' in the middle of the woods.  Just because you can doesn't mean that you should.
I understand responsibility, in a painfully overwhelmingly parental sort of way.  I understand feeling responsible for all the details, the hopes, the personality developing occasions, the feeding, the growth, the happiness, all of it. Understood.  I also know, that as I age, and the kids do, that I need to adjust, quickly, an erroneous belief that I am actually responsible.  I give them good love, a good childhood, and how they react to the wildness of life will be something that I am Not responsible for. I will react to those things as well, but will not be responsible... Its not good for me to be available all the time.  I have to shift priorities. 
Its not good for me to be 'hooked' into something so inorganic. 
What happens if we just change our approach? We expect less from others? We don't need to order our pants at 3 in the morning because that means that somewhere someone has to be working to get the order... we don't need instantaneous cell phone connections because what the hell is so important?  I don't need to have my phone on my body, or even in my car because if i were in trouble, 95 people on the highway would call the police as they drove past... help would arrive.
Maybe i should get a land line, with an answering machine, so I can just let loose when I leave the house, fly free without any hope of 'being reached'...
forget wifi. hot spots...
just forget it.
I'm going to start treating this writing spot as a second edit.  I'm going native. real paper.
real paper.


Mama Mama Quite Contrary said...

I couldn't agree more. I find that I am always happier when I am off the grid. Granted, that's not too much of a stretch for me since I don't really use a cell phone but still there are days when the computer is always on and I spend a disgusting amount of time on it. I then feel disgusting and depressed at the end of those kinds of days.

On the other hand, I have become a bit more forgiving about M checking his messages. I really hated it at first but now I understand that he doesn't want to check but feels he has to both because he is a conscientious person but also because of insurance regulations requiring that he has coverage if he is going to be away. This time his coverage was camping with him! Personally, I'm not that conscientious and I could give a rat's ass about the insurance companies.

Owen A said...

huh. I definitely have a reaction- I'm trying to see how to say it. This is not my second edit [except for the internal ever present (pre-speech thought formation) edit {that is another topic}]
When I first found your voice on wmx- I was especially sensitive- hungry even- to read/hear/share the thoughts of a person who saw herself as both a wife[and as a mother {and as something else- undefinable/mysterious}] Part of the cause of my thirst was due to a emotional separation in my own relationship with my wife/mother/partner- and my searching for a voice to fill that space in my head/mind/heart- I think part of what I have always appreciated about your writings here - is the rawness- the honesty- the direct emotional connection between your words and the reader. And- i'm not saying you would [automatically] lose that with the blawg becoming your second edit...- I do think it would change [maybe for the better- for you]
W/ re to the Expectation of Connectivity; this is a self reinforcing loop- we flatter ourselves to think we have something urgent to say- we say it- and it connects w/ one soul - somewhere across the earth. in that moment- we have touched a mind. That is always something special. The difference between today and 5 [20][100] years ago- is the period of that feedback loop- what once took our thoughts on the speed of the horse out of town- now- is moments [watching the interspace 'white' of the screen- waiting] And in the irony of the human mind perception- a reply letter of weeks seemed fast- a lack of reply of blog postings for hours - seems a long time to wait.

Owen A said...

yeah- as the [blog imaginary] crickets chirp into the silence, my own expectation bites me in the [mental] ass.
Do I have a talent - [gift] for ending conversations... ?