Monday, September 5, 2011

She swings.... she misses... she will swing again. . .

I've got a pretty strong center, I think. (most of the time) . and in the parentheticals lies todays feeling and all the days of a rut... I'm good, I'm I get older I think the 'cycles' are getting stronger so that what used to be a bit of pms is now a full on  'watch out' timeperiod every month., and I can't seem to recognize it for what it is until someone else mentions the possibility and then wahooey. of course. head slapping and some curses too. . .  doesn't seem to help, to recognize it, but at least I know it'll have an end.

...the big kid is going off to first grade on the bus tomorrow morning and I'm so excited for him and for me... new town, new kids, new new new.... and then whoosh. waaaves of sadness (or something i can't identify which fills me with mourning and tears...and a desire for sobs..) ... and I wonder about how much I resist change and how much I resist acknowledging vulnerability (deep, deep DEEP resistance.)  Vulnerability makes me really pissed off.  really. like, a lot.  take my word for it. 
I do know that most of what angers me is related to fear. I can't seem to hold onto that emotion at all without yelling about it, so that is something to know, to look for... why am i so mad? what am I afraid of?  ...and I think, for me,  fear has most of its foundation in resistance.... a thing we are trying to control has left our grasp...
like my kid.
ah, have we done the right thing? will life be joyful for him? will he love freely? will he play ball? will he feel safe? will he be loved?
Its a matter of faith, to get through the day sometimes, to forgive myself for all the anger, to look to giving up on the fear, to just allow life to unfold as it will .