Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Happy Happy Happy Happy...Happy anniversary... H....

so. hubs and I go out to dinner to celebrate our 8 yrs of marriage and our 9 years of knowing each other and its the hottest day in over 10 years and I legitimately, 'have a headache', which, in some ways, is becoming a relevant symbol to me in my rut and how comfortable I am with the walls around me. I am not referring to sex, as I like that a lot when I can remember what it is, but I AM referring to marriage.
I love my husband. I stand by my multiply asserted statement that there isn't anybody who could have fit my torn up letter to the gods asking for a 'mate and lover' more perfectly. nobody.
I should probably bold that, because he thinks that my writing here is slightly curved to the unhappy, and frequently, the unhappy with he.
I think marriage is an incredibly difficult proposition. Not all the time, and not every day, but in the larger pictures of trying to blend two independent entities into one? big difficulty.
I think lots of people do it very well.
I don't know how.
Our kids are getting older now and the worklife is starting to settle and I think we have just sort of 'landed' here, with a five year old and a two point five year old and we're in the position of being able to look around and try to move forward with an actual direction for pretty much the first time. and it feels like that, the first time for all of this, parenting, homelife-ing, family-making. it is a bit unsettling to be 'awake' at a time when most people have seemingly been so for the whole ride, not just the crest at the peak... lull, if you will. my god. am i trending towards rut again?

I think I have more work to do. I think that I try harder with some of my friends than I do with my husband, because he's my fallback, my 'has to be there', life goes on because he is there to make everything all 'everyday' everyday. . . . I don't take the time to be loving and nurturing as often as I should because I'm all about me most of the time. J gets home from work and I need a break so bad I am FURIOUS if he has a need of his own. selfish, so selfish. heh.
and I know it is ME who is selfish there, it is a joke of the tonal sort that doesn't really translate into type.
so how do I get past ME? hmm? without feeling like I'm running down ME? (see the problem? still all about me...)
but what of the tit-tat of marital tallymark/scoresheets? what of, why should i do all the work when he/she doesn't think any work needs to be done ? why doesn't he/she see that work needs to be done? why am i the worker all the time?

I love my JD. I do. its a good beginning. . .


Jen said...

I got kicked out of a kick ball game by my husband so pissed I am and cannot comment appropriately. Love him, hate him, adore and tolerate him. It's a lifetime commitment. Ugh. and hooray. happy anniversary. try to adore each other and your littles. it's tough and beautiful. that's what makes it real. congrats.