Monday, October 4, 2010


SO.  I am finding myself in a bit of a quandry.  a spot difficult for my ego to process, because my ego is all complex and shit.
I have this longstanding relationship with humility... a feeling that walks along hand in hand with a conviction that if one is overly confident, cocky or vain about one's self/ability/skill/control, that G-d will get pissed off and very likely take it away or somehow burn you with a big stick.  It is not exactly a well-formed belief system but it has been around in my psyche for quite a while.  It makes it impossible for me to believe compliments or their givers.  Its actually a source of some discomfort in my marriage because I am married to someone who believes himself to be incredibly selfconfident and humble at the same time! which I tend to scorn and deride on a regular basis as an impossibility.  'scorn and deride' are a bit strong but when pushed I can really bring down the house.
The present difficulty comes because two people, three, actually, have told me that I am good at something and I'm freaking out because if I believe them, i will never have access to it again.  get it? its sort of crazy, i can feel that... so I have to convince myself that THEY are crazy and misguided and therefore I can keep myself in motion. 
right. writing it out makes me feel stupid. 
nonetheless, plunging onwards in stupidity...
but I can see the problems in my thinking ... and so I have to look at it awhile...
how do I acknowledge my own helplessness in the midst of a skill? or, my own training? or an ability that has grown over time with practice? practice, that I was Granted the time and space, to 'perform'? Why is it that I value the lack of will so highly?  as if, in wanting to do something, I were tempting the G to take away my want and thereby, I shouldn't start at all, because it will all end in lost ? yah? the very wanting becomes the problem. 
my word.
right? whoosh.
where does this all come from?
 I wish i could get more comfortable with my own sense of arrogance, or self-comparing...
'but I'm taller than a dwarf, at least... etc...' (no offense to dwarves for their stature being one I am proud to top... by a little, only...)...
i mean, i must be a better driver than she is, i havne't got half the dents she does...
she spends all her money on their clothes, she's clearly more vain than me... her values are WHACK...

there is a psychosis in the vanity.  it is tied to a pride, which is not a humility. humility contains a certain non-judgement,  dig?
so, where does this leave me? when i want something, to do something, to explore something... but i wind up afraid to even begin, because i might want something? because if i am good, it is bound to be lost to me?

my word.


Anonymous said...

last week our group held a similar talk about this topic and you show something we haven't covered yet, thanks.

- Laura