Don't know where I am...

I'm all whacked out, really far away from being able to do all that stuff that I know is good for me, that I've been working hard on getting into, towards, etc.  I'm really angry a lot of the time and what I'm angry about is not neccessarily flaring up or present, I'm just carrying the anger like some sort of badge.  and I actually feel like I know better these days.... its not true, for instance, the little blamegame crap that goes on in my internal dialogue is just not true.  I can brush it off completely.  but I'm not settling into the peace like normal.... i am still angry.
There is a lot going on and almost all of it pointing in good directions, and I am still battling the bricks of the front steps. . .
so. what to do? avoid typing?
huh .
i looked at last year's writing at this time and thought again of my friend pam who is wonderful and with whom I haven't talked for ages... and so I link to this, what I gave her a long time ago and what I need to settle into...