Monday, January 10, 2011


Okay,  I have some serious issues surrounding my own self-worth. SERIOUS. I have to assume I am not the norm in this. . . Correct me if I am wrong, I probably am. . . heeh.

Examples: call Chakra Carol to make an appt for an afternoon, be POSITIVE, ABSOLUTELY positive that I'm going to inconvenience her by: 1. calling during someone else's appt. 2. ask for something she cannot give 3. take her away from something important for a stupid phone call.
OKAY? so, here is the flip side of my personality, the reality/practical/life experience side: 1. She runs a business, she won't answer the phone while she's working, I doubt it actually rings during an appt. 2. She won't/can't give anything she can't. 3. Who am I to say what is important to Chakra Carol?

At some point in my high school life, I read that keeping your eyes lowered is a sign of respect. SWEAR TO YOU: it was at least a year before I looked anyone in the eye. THAT IS CRAZY.
okay, we can grant teenagers their nutsyness. or, i can.

I am a massive enabler/co-dependent in my home life as well, I think, with hubsJ.  I am not so much with my kids, mostly because I don't want them to be like me. AGAIN WITH THAT?! holy cripes. Typing things like that makes the crazy in them stand right up. 

And seriously? the whole hearing thing? the risk that it might just go all away again?  I'm convinced that I will be absolutely worthless, worth nothing, as a mother if I am deaf.  How can I be a good mom if I can't talk to my kids, hear their stories? hmm? how.
We've been off and on talking about this, me and HubsJ, lately.  When I lost it that February 4, its the only time I've ever been suicidal, and there wasn't any drama in it, no hysteria, just conviction that everybody would be better off without me.  And I didn't feel that way the second day and never since. . . but I remember it, the certitude. HubsJ remembers it too.
How do you find answers to these things? or if not answers, how do you hold these feelings while you have them and still walk the walk? how accept them and still face the people you need to face with a different certitude? How?