Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Simple ain't so simple after all. . .

I remember, when I was about two and a half years into the mothering game, going to a mother's retreat/yoga day type thing with my friend D. I didn't own any sweatpants and had to wear my old kickback corduroys from college, as they were big enough to contain the new belly i kept after the second baby... it was my first day in forever away from everyone i birthed.  there were some fascinating women there and after we had journaled and yoga-d and eaten some nuts, we sat in a circle and talked about what we wanted next, what we were looking for... most of us, honestly, were sort of shellshocked by the whole mothering game... there were lots of tears, lots of 'i can't believe how hard this is...'... and what i remember saying in the midst, aside from the likelihood of being hit by a truck at any moment (kidtoy truck, not Mac), was that I wanted my faith back... the easy assumption that I used to feel that I was connected to the larger pictures, that I was cared for and looked after by God.  I'm going to quit leaving out the o there, because it strains my fingers to find that punctuation. lazybones.  I think I"ve spent a chunk of time blaming people for what they cannot do, i.e. take care of me... when really, it is UP TO ME.
And here I am, three years later, just starting out on what is the surest path.  Amazing how long it can be, and something simply involving thanks... questions, wishes, submissions... the simplest path to a wider road.  one step, one step.
I read somewhere that the simplest way to get through struggling times is to do the 'next right thing'. you eat cereal? next? put the bowl in the sink. run the water. take the bowl out of the sink. dry it. put it away... because it is the natural order of 'right things'... so I want to pray? pray.
get up. do laundry. wash dishes. pray. pray laundry, pray dishes, praypray.

I'm looking forward to my heart lightening, as it does every ten minutes or so, as I am working on how to assimilate all these internal changes...


Jamie said...

I've been practicing Reiki since the summer and faith has been the biggest change for me. I've been teaching my kids about God and prayer and taking my son to church with me (we never even went to the obligatory Christmas Mass). He's now reminding us to say Grace before meals (to the point where I REALLY REALLY hope he's not busting out, "Bless us, O Lord," before snack at preschool)! It's really been such a positive change for my outlook and I've seen that trickle down to the attitudes in my family. Last year was a time of grief and healing for us, but this year is definitely a time to give thanks and to just let go. Best of luck on your journey!

Anonymous said...

I remember when I first really realized that ignorance truly is bliss. And I almost wished to go back to that place.
Being a better informed centered enlighted person is never the easy way. But there is no turning back. And there is no quick and easy reward either, (sorry.) But you are headed the right way. I'm sure you know that.

Caroline Starr Rose said...

This is lovely.

Too often I am overwhelmed by the tasks in front of me. I like the simple, doable steps you have here.