Friday, July 22, 2011


I have been at the beach for the last two weeks. almost literally. and I am still there, in my mind, and in fact... although I am home to do laundry and to make an attempt at keeping the 6 out of the sun for the day, as I think he has been struck through by its rays.
so I am home, and away.
and thinking of Character, because I have spent my time surrounded, and felt myself washed away.  So much time spent comparing, and then moderating, and then withdrawing, that what I feel from this time at the beach is some sort of Loss.
vague, unsettling... perhaps it is the space, the time, the history of the place... what is theirs (my hubsJs history, family, place... is not mine and I am foreigner forever, tho my children will belong... )
I have needed to escape the vacation, and have done so. so many adults to watch the children and that flexibility is nothing short of AMAZING... so what is it? is it as simple as low self-esteem? should I believe in the negatives of the others?- subtle digs and the like?
i'm generally not thick-skinned, but am overly familiar with that way of things and have learned to let it roll but do not like to wear the leathers.
it is hot. Haaaaaat, as we whiteys in the north like to say.
maybe my brain has slowly melted and the loss is there and tangible. . . .

what is the level to which Character settles? to me, clearly a changeable notion, although perhaps consistent in strength? hm.
maybe not...after all we do leap and learn and gain character as we go along...supposedly giving the olders the edge in this gain. . . character... interest? does a character have to contain interests? can a deadly boring man be a character? full of character?

what say you?
i've got to go back to the beach or I will lose the function of my bones and lay about forever and ever.
Thank God for shorelines.
Thank God.