Saturday, March 20, 2010

Control, again.

thats a bowling pin, knocked.

I have really been thinking a lot about my own control issues lately... a lot. too much? too much.

But my four year old has started to sleep in his own bed - after 2 years. we've had four days of sleeping in peace, without a body between us for the bulk of the night... he still joins us around three and stays for a little nap and then goes back to his bed around 5 or 6. its just wild. the change made all on his own for the sake of a robot comforter and a chance at a batman item. or seven.

So maybe I'm crazed but it doesn't seem like the bribery has ever worked before... the pretty sheet idea has been tried as well... mattresses on the floor, lights on, lights off, lights in cool trucks, etc. .. all tried. all of it, over and over. but now, somehow and suddenly, the kid is ready. and off he goes, lies down in his bed, and puts himself to sleep after playing with his 'protectors' for a while.

I can't believe how little I have to do with all of this. with the exception of actually having grown him in my belly. hello? Why do I drive myself insane when all I really have to do is throw some cereal on the floor and walk away? these kids are almost entirely self-sufficient if you don't include inane things like laundry and clean dishware. is that all i am really doing here?! holy . . .

and then, i think to myself.. who the hell cares? what am I comparing myself to anyhow? I'm the only damn one they have today, so I am still the MOTHA of them all.... and so maybe I need to let them run around more and get more dirty and even sometimes, stay dirty all day without flinching everytime I look at them. I don't want to be the mom that I don't like. dig it?

Most of the time when my little bitchvoice takes charge and I cannot stand myself, it is because I am stressing over some 'rule' that I have made and that I am trying to 'stick' to. um, like this...

No climbing over the fence. ever, EVerrrr...

The path to the bathroom has to be clear before we go to bed.... for safety's sake.

(my god, how many times can a woman fall on a lego? roll on a matchbox, crash into boots?)

Don't bring home your work.

Don't answer the phone during a conversation.

There are definitely days when I hate the sound of my voice, the constancy with which i seem to be haranguing someone to do something and the inefficiency of it all.

why can't i just let it goddamned go?



Viv said...

I got into the habit of letting go, when I had the leisure of extra time on my side to do so...I really regret it now. Our lives could be so much improved now, if only I had stuck to my guns then. Probably, if you don't have six kids, you'll be fine either way. I would be thrilled to swap children for a time...mine are much, *much* needier than yours, and that is making exceptions of laundry and dishes. Mine require to have a part of their body touching mine at any and all given moments of the day, except when they sleep...HEAVEN FORBID, their little feet might graze my side..."WHAH, whah, whah!!!!!"

Mama Mama Quite Contrary said...

Oh boy, do I get this. After reading both Free Range Kids and Freakonomics, I'm worrying less about how much of an impact I'm having on my girls but it is still hard to let go. I mean, good god, do I really have to tell Vivi a bazillion times that the back porch is NOT the place to poop?